Struggling to survive my dreams and aspirations now that things are starting to work out

Hi,

I've been feeling so caught up in my emotions all my life. I haven't moved a lot in life- goals wise because I couldn't have any. All that left me was feeling like I wanted a life that I was not capable to plan for. I was ashamed of myself. Maybe I still am. Shame is a sticky thing. It really stays with you and it's really hard to get rid of. I've developed all kinds of mental health issues while being stuck. By the end, I couldn't think about the future or have anyone mention my future without having a panic attack. I had no prospects nor did I have a great desire to live. I was suffering every moment I lived. My family would leave me to fend for myself at one point, I knew that. I would have nothing if I didn't make something for myself. And I think that scared me more than anything else. I was on my own and I didn't feel like I was sane enough to plan a future for myself but I had to because I was always going to be on my own. That was the fuel in the fire. At this point I had no career prospects being 24, I'd never been in a relationship and I didn't think I ever would. I couldn't give myself to anyone. I didn't know how. It was on the list of my greatest fears. How can you have another person in your life? I only spent my whole life thinking about myself and picking myself apart. I dressed well and looked great but I didn't know what to say. I couldn't talk. I'd never learnt how to. Anytime someone liked me and I liked back, I would get the urge to run. Even physically. I couldn't stand to be in their presence. I felt like I couldn't love anyone. I couldn't let anyone near me. I really wanted to, but I couldn't. It had been my lifelong dream to be in love. I think I was about 11-12 when I got it in my head that being in love will fix the hurt I felt all the time. It would be my new life, the new meaning I woulld find being with someone. In a little world of our own and all the hurt would stop. I was ashamed of it. I always felt llike telling people about my lack of relationships really let everyone know just how much was wrong with me. So I always lied and said I messed with a lot of guys but I wasn't the relationship type.

And then out of nowhere, I got an opportunity. Something that was born out of one of the hardest things I have had to go through and now I'm here. I'm struggling to keep up. I haven't felt okay in a while. I have been failing for six months at my job. This new dream job. I don't feel okay at all. I'm in a new city and I don't like anyone here. I made a friend and he is so toxic, I feel like I am losing my mind all the time. I feel so alone and lost and it's showing in my work. I feel crazy and unprofessional because I can't hold it together anymore. I used to feel like I've come far healing. But right now I'm right in the middle of falling apart. I can't let go of this job. It's my life finally coming together but my brain is falling apart. I am falling apart. Every week is a struggle to get home and just cry my eyes out. I have no one to turn to for support and I'm losing my mind entirely. I feel like they're going to push me in the background and write me off as a disappointment. I'm afraid of not being noticed. I've never been ordinary in my life and I am afraid I'm going to be just that- ordinary. Nothing extraordinary at work, just mediocre enough that no one cares. Everyone just looks at me and sees someone who seemed like they could do a lot, but can do absolutely nothing. It hurts me to be this person. I cannot wait to get better.