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wildOnee
38,138 M Determined Treads 9
PathStep 141 Compassion hearts297 Forum posts149 Forum upvotes179 Current upvotes179 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2023 Member sinceMarch 15, 2018
Recent forum posts
Struggling to survive my dreams and aspirations now that things are starting to work out
Anxiety Support / by wildOnee
Last post
 August 14th, 2021
...See more Hi, I've been feeling so caught up in my emotions all my life. I haven't moved a lot in life- goals wise because I couldn't have any. All that left me was feeling like I wanted a life that I was not capable to plan for. I was ashamed of myself. Maybe I still am. Shame is a sticky thing. It really stays with you and it's really hard to get rid of. I've developed all kinds of mental health issues while being stuck. By the end, I couldn't think about the future or have anyone mention my future without having a panic attack. I had no prospects nor did I have a great desire to live. I was suffering every moment I lived. My family would leave me to fend for myself at one point, I knew that. I would have nothing if I didn't make something for myself. And I think that scared me more than anything else. I was on my own and I didn't feel like I was sane enough to plan a future for myself but I had to because I was always going to be on my own. That was the fuel in the fire. At this point I had no career prospects being 24, I'd never been in a relationship and I didn't think I ever would. I couldn't give myself to anyone. I didn't know how. It was on the list of my greatest fears. How can you have another person in your life? I only spent my whole life thinking about myself and picking myself apart. I dressed well and looked great but I didn't know what to say. I couldn't talk. I'd never learnt how to. Anytime someone liked me and I liked back, I would get the urge to run. Even physically. I couldn't stand to be in their presence. I felt like I couldn't love anyone. I couldn't let anyone near me. I really wanted to, but I couldn't. It had been my lifelong dream to be in love. I think I was about 11-12 when I got it in my head that being in love will fix the hurt I felt all the time. It would be my new life, the new meaning I woulld find being with someone. In a little world of our own and all the hurt would stop. I was ashamed of it. I always felt llike telling people about my lack of relationships really let everyone know just how much was wrong with me. So I always lied and said I messed with a lot of guys but I wasn't the relationship type. And then out of nowhere, I got an opportunity. Something that was born out of one of the hardest things I have had to go through and now I'm here. I'm struggling to keep up. I haven't felt okay in a while. I have been failing for six months at my job. This new dream job. I don't feel okay at all. I'm in a new city and I don't like anyone here. I made a friend and he is so toxic, I feel like I am losing my mind all the time. I feel so alone and lost and it's showing in my work. I feel crazy and unprofessional because I can't hold it together anymore. I used to feel like I've come far healing. But right now I'm right in the middle of falling apart. I can't let go of this job. It's my life finally coming together but my brain is falling apart. I am falling apart. Every week is a struggle to get home and just cry my eyes out. I have no one to turn to for support and I'm losing my mind entirely. I feel like they're going to push me in the background and write me off as a disappointment. I'm afraid of not being noticed. I've never been ordinary in my life and I am afraid I'm going to be just that- ordinary. Nothing extraordinary at work, just mediocre enough that no one cares. Everyone just looks at me and sees someone who seemed like they could do a lot, but can do absolutely nothing. It hurts me to be this person. I cannot wait to get better.
How do I convince myself that I deserve better things
Depression Support / by wildOnee
Last post
 April 3rd, 2020
...See more I'm an artist and I'm 25. I'm struggling. I was abused throughout my childhood right up-to when I was 18. It took me so long to even have the semblance of a normal life. I've been working really hard at getting better. It feels like its the only goal I seem to have in life-to even get to a point where I may have mediocre things. I've been working really hard to be better at my work but any appreciation and opportunity I get to move forward I seem to reject it. It's hard for me to make art when I start to get recognition for it. I don't think I deserve it. I don't think I deserve anything. I don't know where the idea came from, if it was my parents that put it in my head or it was life, I don't think I deserve better than pain. How do I change that for myself? I'm the one keeping myself here in hell because I think this is what I deserve. I keep wasting my gifts because I don't know how to handle praise. I don't think I want it, but I need it. And I keep removing myself from situations where anyone would tell me I'm doing something well
Is there a way to get better for sure?
Anxiety Support / by wildOnee
Last post
 April 29th, 2018
...See more I've been thinking is there a way to get better and turn your life around or is it just trauma that keep changing shape and coming back to me as different problems. Is there ever going to be a point where I'm happy and not seeing the effects of my past catching up to me? Is there ever going to be a day where I don't react like a victim and ruin things? Am I ever going to get better or am I just going to keep living the past in my head. Am I always going to look at people with complete distrust or am I going to be able to fall in love and have a good life like I've always wanted?
I don't know how to take myself seriously
Trauma Support / by wildOnee
Last post
 October 8th, 2018
...See more I've had a horrible childhood and I know it's made me the person I am today. I hate it and work really hard to change it everyday. I want to talk about it but i can't. When I do find a way to bring it up, I put it casually. I can't take it seriously myself and i hate it. I cannot deal with it if it were any more real to me and I know it's hurting me. I have to tell someone and have them understand and support me, but I don't know how to make it look like I need the help.
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