Roommates

Hi all,

this is a little random but I want to leave the thought here since the anxiety is stopping me from sleeping. I currently live at college, and I just went to the bathroom and while I was walking back to my room, I realized the guy who lived in the room next to mine had moved out. I didn’t know him well, but I had assumed he had a hard time being at college and I don’t think he was close to his roommate.

it just dawned on me that maybe I could move to another floor or a different dorm building. I didn’t click with my roommate during my first term here, same goes with the people im living on my floor with . I don’t think they even know my name. In the beginning I tried to be friends with some of the girls, but it was clear they weren’t interested and I forced myself to stop caring in return. Everyone else on my floor has gotten pretty close and you can tell, so it made me miserable seeing myself being left out again when I thought I could leave that in highschool.

Anyway, I think my roommate is nice, but the reason I chose her was because I knew we probably wouldn’t have too much to say to each other and I could almost treat it as if I live by myself (it’s a little toxic I know). I thought it would help me focus on my grades more and gives me my much needed alone time. Turns out it was too much alone time. We’ve gotten a little closer, but she’s an international student so there’s always a language and culture barrier.

recently I’ve been beating myself up that I haven’t even met some people on my floor when they seem friendly. It’s been a pretty overwhelming thought. I had a lot of anxiety today and I’m sure it was the root cause. It never occurred to me that I could transfer somewhere else. I’ve been taught to endure situations even when they make me uncomfortable, thinking it would build my endurance. It’s done the opposite and I’m very bitter. I wish I thought of moving earlier, but even if I did I might have chickened out because what if I’m sacrificing what’s already best for me rn? Doubt has always been one of weaknesses. It stops me from making the right decisions or taking a leap of faith in the right direction.

i just wanted to share so that I can fall asleep now. I hope I get better at making the right decisions for myself instead of waiting around and enduring the bad ones.