New Low, Feeling Stuck

I've been on 7cups for awhile, but hardly ever post, because the thought of actually posting and looking stupid or unworthy petrifies me, but tonight just sitting in my feelings seemed worse. Sorry if I don't make sense? I've been wrestling with anxiety for almost 3 years, and it fluctuates. Usually though, even if I feel awful for several days, I can talk myself through it- it doesn't stop the anxiety, but I can try and force myself to have a dialogue with myself until I am calmer, or I have a few good days.

But tonight was bad . I spent 40 minutes just sitting in my bathroom, thinking about all the ways I've screwed up, mistakes that I'll never be able to fix, and how people would react if they knew. It was mostly thinking about dumb arguments I've had or something stupid I posted on social media a few years ago, opinions I held that I've since changed, squabbles where I now realize I was wrong, and I've tried to grow out of bad habits and make amends, but I got stuck in that spiral of "that's not enough, it doesn't fix anything so I'm still wrong, and people will hate me." I have a great family, and great friends and co-workers, and they all think that I'm "nice" and that I'm in control. That sounds so self-centered, I'm sorry, but they've said it to me because they think I'm too apologetic and nervous. But I don't really talk to any of them about how I feel, because then I'll have to see them realize that I'm not always nice or in control. Which makes me feel like I'm wearing a mask, this disguise of being nice and in control. I try to be, I usually am considerate and polite, but that's why I'm quiet and apologetic, I don't want to risk hurting someone's feelings or getting into an argument or messing up (again). I try to be the "good person" they think I am, but that means I can't really talk about this to anyone. And part of me feels paralyzed trying to be perfect, another part is telling myself that I know people who have made the same mistakes I have so I'm just being dramatic and self-centered, another part wants to...dump everything out and get it over with so at least then it's over, even if they hate me, and the last part of me just wants my anxiety to stop.

I've never self-harmed, or thought about wanting to die, but it crossed my mind tonight. Not urgently, I'm not in danger, but there was a passing, "What if that's the only way to fix things?" Since I'm responsible for my past mistakes, and I can't go back and fix them, then the thing that needs to be removed is me to balance things out. That way I can't hurt someone, or disappoint anyone, or embarrass myself, or make anymore mistakes, and people won't have to deal with me anymore. I know that's stupid logic, that won't fix anything either, but the thought was there. And that scares me. I don't want to think like that, or put the people I love through that. I feel stuck. I want help, but feel as if I don't deserve help, and I don't know what to do. Even posting this seems selfish and stupid. Sorry, I guess I'm venting and wondering if anyone else went through this or has any suggestions?