Need to move forward-- don't know how

Hi,

I dated a guy 3yrs ago who was incredibly abusive for a year. He eventually wound up being my rapist. I've been struggling for a while to get over that whole relationship, after we broke up I put it in the back of my head and built up a wall to forget, and masked my feelings with other guys and getting drunk and being totally irresponsible.. about 5mo before I met my current fiance, that wall broke down in my head and everything hit me. I've been trying to deal with it ever since.

I saw a couple therapists and gave up after my last one thought I missed him. It was the same day I told her he raped me & he was abusive. If there was one thing I wish I could change I would've never met him, because he messed me up in a lot of terrible ways. I can't believe I have to make it clear, but I don't miss him or want him back. I'm trying to get over what he did to me and I can't.

It's not fair that he can come and ruin my life and he gets to move on and be happy because I was nice to him during the abuse. I can't keep myself away from stalking his sister's & some of his profiles when I'm depressed, not because I miss him, but because I just want to see him hurt, and it makes me seem like a terrible person but it makes me happy to see that he's not happy so he gets a tiny taste of what he did to me.

How do I stop the panic attacks? How do I stop the stalking & thinking? The paranoia? My fiance is so supportive thru everything and I love him to death, but this is getting so old..

Thank you,