Left behind
I'm 33. I act or show that i am independent or I'm mature. But inside i feel like i haven't really grew. Like I've been left behind by time and I'm still that boy stuck at just wanting to have fun or play at my computer. Until i realized that my cousins, friends, are starting their own families already. And im here. Lying in my bed. Lost. Playing games, eating and sleeping. I know i should do something but im afraid. I dont have a job. My first job was a family company coz i couldn't get or find a job for me. I gave up too soon. And now I'm 33. Spending the last of the money i saved before. Scared that i have to go out there again. I panic from the sound of a doorbell when my sister has a delivery. I don't want to go out the door. I feel that people will always have their eyes on me. Talk about me or judge me. I know that it doesnt matter but knowing that im like that.. doesnt help either. Im just afraid to do stuff and move.. no matter what i do before, i feel like people will always be better than me. Left behind by people who is even younger than me. I feel useless. Feeling sorry for myself and angry that I'm like this. I want to change but the one support i have.. my mother.. died 2 years ago.. I'm a mama's boy i guess. No matter how hard things get, she would always say its okay and help me out. I got spoiled and took for granted everything. Thinking that she would always be there even if I'm old. I know i have to move at some point but i looked the other way. I didnt face it. I had someone to face it for me. Now its worse since she's gone. I know I'm pathetic. That's the worst part coz i know what's wrong with me and im not doing anything about it because im scared, a coward, lazy. Hopeless.
My dear brother, i feel you, i honestly do. The world is scary, people too. But you need to stop for a second, for a moment in your life, to be sovhard on yourself. You have to understand that we are not suppose to be the same, we are not suppose to fit a born-work-kid-death road, we don't have to look like the others near us. Life is everything we do and we do not. Even these moments are part of you, your sadness, the void you feel inside, the frustration, the pain. These are your emotions, that are trying to reach you out, to tell you that is time to listen, you can't hide from yourself. You are a marvellous human being, you have a great soul, something that makes you feel emotions that mostly of people do not even know exist. But the great wall to happiness is you. You are trying to avoid people to not get hurted again. You feel yourself so fragile that you could die if someone will ever say something to you. You are so much scared that even a good word will sound like a joke on you. You should give yourself the right to suffer. You need to respect your pain. You are avoiding pain from so long that you put a space beetween yours beloved or maybe you cutted all yours relationship so deep that now you do not remember how it felt to be connected to someone. Dear child, you absolutely need to ask for help, suck it up your pride, take the right to make your friends uncomfortable, because if they really are, they will gladly help you, if not, you will just need to made new connections, more real, without hiding behind an "i am ok" just to avoid others feel bad. You are worthy to be helped. You are a kind one, but if you keep doing it, if you keep yourself chained in this routine of despair and meaningless. Brother you will die two time, as a human being first, as a being secondly. To really start to live, you have to act like one. So to stop feeling dead, let try to live. How? It s not a night/day progress. My advice is to break your pain-avoid routine. Play videogames as usual, just beging to cut 2 hours from everyday. One hour you will do another recreative activity such as reading a book, some arguments you enjoy, or self-help, the other hour you need to learn to stay in complete silence and just listen your thoughts. It s just a start, but if you can do that for a month it s a great step, and when you will get help it will be less difficult to explain your pain and gives to your friend or analyst a better view of your sadness. Remember, if you feel bad you can still be the beautiful human being your mother saw in your eyes. Pain is a witness of your existence, it means you are alive. Don't give up brother, there are too many bad people, we need good guys like you. Best regards and sorry for bad english<3