I allow myself to feel anxious, it's magical

Hello, I yesterday I was anxious almost all day long and so I tried to do some journaling.

I intended it to be more like a diary where I pour out every negative thought, but in the midway I started to realize another thing.

I was being mean to myself,

by wanting to get rid of this anxiety and pushing myself to be all happy bubbly.

With this picture of the "ideal me" in mind, I didn't allow other than perfection. I blamed myself for the circumstances, as well as for being so anxious and fearful.

I knew "what should be done" and what "shouldn't", but the more I thought about fixing things, the stronger the anxiety.

So I tried to validate my feelings, and wrote this:

I think I have the right to feel anxious, mad, depressed, trapped. I have the right to think negatively.

I dont blame myself that I am ruminating negative things

I dont blame myself for my suffering

It all makes sense

I have the right to feel suffered

Nobody could judge me for my feelings and decisions

It makes sense thats Im anxious bcs Im going to study overseas next month and I have little to zero preparation

We dont even have the money

I have the right to feel anxious for it

I am allowed to feel the tightness in my chest and cry out of pain

I have the right to blame circumtances and the people around me

I am allowed to do that, its not wrong at all, its the right thing to do, it makes perfect sense

BUT

I am allowed to feel bad. But I wanna feel good.

I am allowed to be afraid. But I wanna be brave.

I can feel humiliated. But I wanna feel honored.

I can feel stuck. But I wanna be free.

I can do nothing. But I wanna do something.

I am allowed to ruminate. But I wanna only think positive thoughts.

I am allowed to blame the circumtances and myself, but I wanna be thankful of circumtances and myself and learn something for it.

I can be lazy, but I wanna be passionate and ambitious

I am allowed to cry, but I wanna laugh

I have the right to hate, but I wanna love

I have the right to procrastinate, but I wanna do it now

I am allowed to think that I am not enough, but I wanna think I am enough

I am allowed to have low confidence, but I wanna trust myself

I am allowed to think that I am limited and handicapped, but I wanna think that I am limitless and unstoppable

I am allowed to scroll through social media all day long, but I wanna be productive

I am allowed to not contribute anything at all, but I want to be someone who makes other lives better

I am allowed not to work at all, but I wanna work hard

I am allowed to hate myself, but I wanna love myself

The moment I finished writing, I felt it kinda freeing, so I'm going to continue doing it.

I share it with you guys in case it could help someone.