How to let go of the life you thought you'd have?
I've recently turned 35, and it's been profound.
When you were little did you picture how your life would be, did you daydream about it?
I was going to be married to a wonderful man he'd be successful, and I'd have a successful career, have 2 children, a beautiful home by the water, a couple of dogs and do all kinds of fun things. Kayaking, all sorts of sports, trips to Europe, Disney and down south all those sorts of things.
I want to believe that can still happen, somewhere deep down, I do, but a LOT has changed from being a little girl/teenager to now.
I was raped at 19, and told it must have been my fault - that's stuck with me. My self confidence/self-worth bottom out, I got into abusive relationships and started to gain weight. 3 bad relationships and 16 years later, and I'm 370lbs, and Im trying to fix it, but I have panic attacks and anxiety over life not being what I pictured.
My only bros wife is pregnant, I'm going to be an aunt, but I'm too caught up mourning my own "should haves" to be happy for them. Some of my best friends are getting a puppy, the one they have always wanted, and want me to go with them to pick it up. I get sad/anxious just thinking about it
Almost every one of my friends are either married or part of a couple. I'm included and asked to be a part of everything, but after a while, I just get depressed because I'm the only one who is alone. Always. I feel like a failure because my life isn't what I wanted. How do I let it go? I want to!
@Boopei
May I please take your hand? You are where I've been. There's so much you wrote that I could identify with.
I think it's usual to start out with dreams of some sort, and then if things don't work out, it's easy to lose hope, to lose our self belief. There's a certain beauty to be found in our new reality though, but as you say.....with low self worth, and anxiety, life can feel hard going. Negative messages you learnt over time, and continue to reinforce with yourself, become your reality. But you can challenge them.
The thing with dreams is that it's within our imaginations to change them. So the original plan didn't work out, let's head for plan B, C, D etc. We think of dreams that kids have as being unrealistic......they'll live and learn. But what have you taught yourself in the last 35 years? If all you do is hang on to the disappointments and the negative messages, then are you being any more truthful to yourself than a little kid who believes in fairy tales?
You talk of friends and family. It sounds like you're loved and included. Try not to lose sight of that.....it's very significant. Do you ever tell yourself how special you must be to be an important part of other people's lives, how loved you are, and how you're worthy of that. If not, maybe it's time to do so. And then you can rebuild your dreams based on those more positive realisations.
Do feel free to contact me if you want a chat. I'll let go of your hand now, but you're in my thoughts :)