Frustrated with family favorites
I generally have very poor self exteem and a lot of anxiety and depression all the time. That being said I am getting so frustrated and fed up with my husbands family
The first thing is that I am having restentment toward my sister-in-law and it really isn't her fault but I don't know how to stop feeling b*tchy to her. My in laws have from the beginning asked me to help them out with all kinds of things, I cook and help them move boxes/furniture, help them garden etc. Not things I enjoy doing but I don't mind helping out. It takes up a lot of my time though and it is hard to fit in to my already full schedule. A few years ago my brother-in-law met a girl (I was very excited for him and also to have a new famiy member) but she is nasty and insulting and my in-laws treat her like a princess. My mother in law is always telling me how smart she is and how lovely she is and they NEVER ask her to do anything to help out. In fact - I live in a different country and am helping to support the family during isolation while my bother and sister in law live a state away, she doesn't work and never help out (in fact I recently learned a lot of the things that I am sending my mother in law are going to them).
I work full time in a demanding job as a molecular biochemist and spend my free time volunteering for several organizations and helping the community, and I am working on my advanced degree. I am not trying to put myself on any sort of pedestal but I care a lot about other people and I think I am a decent person but I really feel like I am the pack mule of the family. Every time I talk to my mother in law the conversation is her shopping list that I buy for her and have delivered, then the hardships my sister in law has to go through and how tough her life is (again, not working + free schooling for her phD + free living arrangements and she doesn't do anything for anyone but herself, and calls everyone in the family nasty names and makes mean comments).
It all ends up with me resenting my mother in law and my sister in law. I get stressed out when I get a text message because it is always something added to my plate, or I end up feeling like a b*tch because I don't want to hear about my sister in law anymore. I really don't want to feel this way, and the feelings slowly built up over time to where they are now (I really didn't used to care) but I don't know how to stop feeling resentful
@Lilecho I'm sorry that you have been dealing with this type of treatment from your in laws. I can understand how frustrating it is to feel taken advantage of or to feel like everyone is packing the responsibilities on you when there's obviously someone else available that can help lighten the burden (not to say that your in laws are a burden but these tasks take time and we don't always have the time to help out.)
Firstly, I think it's really important that you are open with you family about how you are feeling. During conflict resolution talks like these, it's important to stick to "I" statements instead of "you" statements or in this case "her" statements. When we begin conversations like these by explaining how someone else's actions are effecting you, the other person is much more likely to turn defensive very quickly. So be careful to not attack anyone else while you are expressing yourself. I personally have a really difficult time doing this when I get emotional so I find it helpful to practice what I want to say before I ever bring up the conversation to the other person.
So for example, you might say, "Lately, I feel like I have been seen as an employee rather than a daughter. It hurts when I call to check in and ask how your day has been and rather than having a casual conversation, I am given a list of chores instead. Of course, I care for you and I don't mind helping out in any way I possible can but it would also be nice to speak to my family and just talk. In fact, I have really wanted to share with you this news I recieved at work where..." In this opener, you express your feelings, you don't personally attack the sister in law, and you can move on quickly to the next topic. This quick transition is a great tool if you are afraid that the other person will still take this message personally. This allows them to hear you and not feel pressured to respond right away. It also allows them to start working on what you are looking for which is a family relationship with them where you can speak with them casually. When you are done having this no pressure conversation, you can even offer right before you hang up if they needs help with anything from you if you don't mind adding something to your to do list. Of course, if you would rather have a deeper conversation about how you're feeling, you don't need to include this transition.
I also suggest that you reach out to your sister in law and attempt to have a similar conversation. Since your problem is more with your sister in law rather than your parent in laws, this conversation might be harder to stick with "I" statements. No judgement from me, I already said this is a difficult approach for me to follow through on when I'm upset. So, I really suggest practicing what you want to say in advance again. "I have been feeling a little overwhelmed balancing my work life, my volunteer work AND tackling the list of things our in laws need help with. I've been trying to do this all by myself but I feel a little spread thin and I would really appreciate some help completing this list. Do you think we can sit down and find a way to divide the work between the two of us?"
I know ideally, you don't want your inlaws to think you are too busy to help them with things they need. And ideally, you would want your sister in law to help out without you having to ask. Unfortunately, things aren't going to change on their own. The more open we are with our families, the easier the relationship will be. Your parents won't know how much stress you are under and they probably don't realize you are feeling under appreciated either. Let them know so they can work with you to fix the relationship or else you might start resenting them as you feel toward the sister in law already.
And I know that your relationship with the sister in law isn't great right now. But maybe it can get better after being more open with her in this way. And if she is being unreasonable, maybe your husband can speak with his brother directly? Why aren't either of them helping out with their own parents? If one brother tells the other that "mom and dad needs ...." maybe they can work together and get those chores taken care of.
I hope this helps. I'm not a listener on the site but I am always in the forums to speak to others. I hope that this strategy makes a difference in communicating your feelings towards the rest of the family without stirring up more issues. If you would like to practice what you want to say to either person, I don't mind working on this with you. :)
Hope to talk to you soon
@SecretlyMe
That was really helpful and you are right, absolutely. I have been beating myself up for having a bad attitude toward her and simultaneously feeling badly about the whole group- and not doing anything to improve the relationships. I will work on this and when I think I am in the right frame of mind to approach them nicely I am going to follow your suggestion. I really appreciate it.
@Lilecho I'm glad I could help. I know how difficult it is to work on family relationships when one person feels like they are being treated unjustly. When the situation isn't approached gently, the ordeal can turn into something bigger (lesson learned from personal experience). I have been on both sides of this conversation so I know that how one chooses to start talking honestly makes a huge difference on how the conversation will continue.
I'm truly impressed that you sought out advice on how to handle the situation. I think it shows a lot of maturity and strength to stop yourself from confronting your family in a negative way. Taking time to prepare and cool off before rushing into a conversation with them is a great plan. I wish you all the best as you continue to communicate openly with your family and resolve these conflicts.
