Childhood Trauma

Hi everyone, this is my first thread on 7cups. It's hard for me to open up about my past but i think it's very important to face your past, forgive it and move on from it. My childhood has affected me in a lot of ways. My adult romantic relationship suffers because of it. Ive realized how it manifested in my current life but im still struggling to get better.

My mother never wanted a baby girl. She wanted a baby boy and my birth surprised her. She had tried killing me in the past by drowning me in the tub, covering my face with pillow and banging my head to the wall. I survived. I remembered all those memories but i thought it was just a dark past that i have long forgotten. I met an amazing soul 3 years ago and we quickly fell in love with one another. He made me so aware of my past and present, of my flaws and strengths. He's still my other half until this very moment, but our relationship suffer. What my mother did to me made me feel very unworthy and unloved deep down. If my own mother couldnt love me, no one else could. I become very anxious and insecure. No matter how much reassurance he's given me, it's never enough. I focus on the things i dont have. 'Why didnt you text me when you wake up? Are you not thinking of me?" It might look like a simple matter to you, but it held a deeper need and meaning behind it. I was scared he lost his interest in me and would abandon me. It's my own self worth issue, my insecurities and fears that i projected onto him. He loves me too much, but this is making him very unhappy. Being controlled and manipulated to love me the way i want to be loved. I didnt let him express his feelings the way he wants to.

Im still struggling so much with my insecurities and anxiety. But im a work in progress and im proud i have taken my first step towards recovery. My partner is taking this journey with me. He holds my hand no matter how hard and painful this can be. God bless his soul lol. Your support would strengthen me in my journey :) thank you!