A vent about home life

I should be grateful for what I have and I am. The things are there are things that just bother me. I don't like that I'm so in my head all the time. I see people but I don't see them. I realize they are there but question "oh they are my brother and sister?". I know who they are and everything but for some reason, I feel like sometimes I've been on autopilot for too long. It's weird. I just am tired of faking the love I feel for my dad. I mean.. I'm not trying to fake it but lately, my dad asks me for kisses on the cheek and I give it to him but it feels like a chore, I don't actually feel anything. He's an alcoholic and still makes me uncomfortable when he's drunk. I think he's so much better when he isn't drunk. I don't like the loss of motivation for doing schoolwork that I get when I overhear conflict between my mom and dad. I want to cry or make myself cry to feel something idk. I don't like feeling like nothing. I feel like I'm in limbo, I'm not happy right now but I'm not depressed. I'm just down and don't want to talk to anyone or interact for now. sometimes I really like being alone.. but then feel lonely.