Anyone with Selective Mutism?
I've had it since childhood. It's done nothing but sabotage my social life, or my chances of having one. Everyone has this deep-seated perception of me, that I cannot change. Because if I could change it, I wouldn't be mute in the first place. Nobody is kind enough to give me a chance. You might say, "have you thought about writing on a whiteboard?" Well here's the thing. I don't want to spend my life writing on whiteboards and a lot of kids here would find it hilarious. Honestly, they aren't going to want to befriend a person who writes on a whiteboard, just like they don't want to befriend a person who cannot speak.
When I open my mouth, it's like my vocal chords have forgotten how to work properly. When I try to make some noise, all that comes out is a harsh whisper or a croaky, squeaky voice. And I know this isn't me as a person, but do the others? No. To them, this is my personality. I'm the quiet kid who "chooses" not to talk.
What person would choose not to speak? What person would choose not to speak and make friends? What person would happily sabotage everyone's perception of them? What person would continue to be "shy"? Do you really think if I had a choice, I'd remain the quiet kid who doesn't speak?
The worst part is, nobody understands what Selective Mutism is. That goes for professionals around here. Typically, they'll just give you medication and tell you to be on your way. They'll try sticking a bandaid on the side-affects of your issue, but they won't do anything to heal the issue itself.
Teachers like to pull me aside in class and ask whether they'd like to help me overcome my "shyness". I've tried telling them it isn't shyness, but a mental illness. They don't listen, and then you get the typical "when I was your age I was shy too until I grew out of it".
It doesn't just affect your ability to speak, it also causes the muscles in your body to tense up, so you start moving about the room like a robot. My legs become stiff, I find it hard to turn my head, heck I even find it hard to leave my seat most times. I could be desperate to pick up a pencil from the other side of the room, but I can't physically get out of my seat. I'm stuck there, in a corner, back turned to everyone. And they all pass it off as "shyness".
It felt like a real kick in the teeth, when I was a part of this group session where we had to get to know each other. People on the table purposely ignored me, because as usual, I don't speak so they see me as worthless. It was only when they found out how old I was, they started asking me to buy them drinks from the pub. And then we had the task of writing on people's sticky notes a word to describe them, and what did I get? "Shy, shy, quiet, doesn't talk, quiet". These kids assume it's my personality, and it f*cks my head up.
I want to scream. I want to be free for once, but I can't break out of it alone. And don't think I haven't tried getting a professional to listen to me, because I have, but the people around my area aren't the most helpful. Usually I'm just told to see a doctor and get my medication increased, or that I shouldn't self-diagnose and that I'm overreacting. Can't I just be assessed for this? It doesn't matter if I'm wrong, at least it makes me feel heard and understood.
They say Selective Mutism can be cured, so long as you get help during childhood when it typically occurs, otherwise it bleeds through to adulthood. Guess I'm stuck like this. Anyone else in my situation? You ever managed to recieve therapy for this yourself? If so, could you please share with me some of the tips they gave you? Or just tell me about your struggles, y'know. Maybe we can relate to this whole, "aww you're just shy!" thing.
