Anxiety ruining relationship
Hi, everybody.
I am struggling intensely with rumination over my strained relationship with my boyfriend. He is incredibly angry at me and questioning whether he wants a relationship with me largely because I have panic attacks on the highway, and he wants to be able to take road trips with his girlfriend understandably. I want that too very much. He has very reluctantly agreed to give me another chance, but is barely speaking to me and doesn't want to see me for awhile (It has been 2 1/2 weeks since we got in this big fight, and he lives out of state). Any advice on how I can keep from catastraphizing that he won't ever come see me again or actually give me another chance. My rumination is in overdrive and I need to be using this time to tackle my anxiety and make noticeable improvements instead of just feeling sad, scared, and helpless over the situation.
Please any advice would be amazing. I don't want to lose him, and I'm scared I have already, but I definitely will if the panic attacks can't be managed.
Thanks.
@jubjubtheiguana7 I'm sorry that you have been dealing with this. Firstly I want to say that this isn't on just you. You are part of a relationship, a partnership... so it should be the two of you against the problem rather than just you to solve the problem alone. I realize that you might be thinking that because it is your anxiety, you alone have to fix this. But this isn't true. At the very least, your partner shouldn't be pressuring you this way.
Do you know what's the worst thing for you anxiety? Feeling like something bad is going to happen because of your anxiety. You are so worried about your next attack that your body is already in a heightened state. It won't take much for you to be pushed over the edge. Your partner is putting waaayyyy too much pressure on you. This can't be fixed with a snap of your fingers. You can't keep these emotions at bay just by trying harder. Fighting against it will only make the next one come sooner or be bigger.
I know you are worried about losing your partner but I don't think you should be be pushing yourself to supress the anxiety in an attempt to appease him. I think this is the best time to have an honest conversation with him. He needs to understand that his expectations aren't reasonable and he needs to adjust them if he ever wants you to be in a better place. I hope this makes sense. I have found ways to help lower my anxiety that might help. I don't mind sharing if you're interested. But, just so you know, none of my strategies (or any strategy) will take away your anxiety overnight.
@SecretlyMe
Hello, thanks for responding. I would love to know more about how you have been managing your anxiety when you have a chance to share. I know it isn't realistic to think that I can be 100% better overnight or even possibly ever, and I do feel a lot of pressure right now to fix this as quickly as possible or at least put on a brave face when he's around with a "fake it until you make it" mentality.
It is going to take a lot of work and practice, but I am committed to making major improvements, not only to salvage my relationship, but most importantly to improve my own quality of life. Being scared to be on highways makes my world pretty small and boxed in. I agree that I don't think his expectations are realistic and he struggles to understand the emotional aspects of the situation, possibly in part because he is on the autism spectrum. He looks at it analytically, and objectively doesn't see a need to panic on a highway so doesn't understand why I might respond differently. I don't mean to portray him in a negative light. He is genuinely a good guy. I think he's just reached the limit of his patience unfortunately. If he had told me this was bothering him when it first started being a problem, I would have addressed it sooner, but he bottled it up for months and then just exploded, which is on him, not me. I look at the panic attacks as something that are harming me and harming someone I love so they need to hit the road so that I can too. :)
@jubjubtheiguana7 That's a great outlook on this situation. I'm glad that you are looking at things from both sides so the blame isn't being placed on just one person. That's very smart and mature of you :)
I first wanted to start you off with some 7 cups resources. We have the master post which holds many links to help you learn about anxiety and ways to cope with it. My favorite texhniques include meditation, breathing exercises and focusing on small details in the room. Meditation didn't help me right away and honestly it felt like a waste of time. But the more I practicied it, the more I got out of it and the easier it was to clear my mind. Being able to clear my mind on command is a great way to push away the anxious thoughts before they have enough time to start an attack. Breathing exercises have been more helpful for when the attack is just beginning and you need to calm down quickly.
Focusing on your breath allows you to focus on getting enough air so your body doesn't continue to panic. I think it also helps to focus more on something like your breathing rather than staying in your head with the thoughts that started the attack in the first place. Which is why I like focusing on small details. I have had a few attacks in the classroom and I try my hardest not to let anyone else in the room notice so I try to distract myself by looking around the room and naming everything that is the same shape. For example, circles: clock, smoke alarm, door knob, screws holding the lightswitch plate, etc. When you start you'll most likely focus on the bigger items like the clock on the wall but the more time you focus on the task, and the more you relax from focusing on something else, you'll start picking out smaller things like the screws.
Like the gif I posted above I like to keep cute and calming animations and gifs on my phone to distract me when I feel my anxiety rising. If you are looking for ideas, this post has many to look at https://www.7cups.com/forum/AnxietySupport_53/AnxietySupportResources_412/Gifstohelpyourelaxandcalmyoudown_54192/
Finally, other than using 7 cups to connect with listeners privately and talk with member in the forums, I also use the apps Wysa and Rootd. Wysa is designed to impliment exercises througout the day to combat high anxiety and depression symptoms. Like 7 cups, Wysa gives you the option to speak to a professional through the app if you pay for their service. Even if you don't pay, the app provides a lot with the free exercises. Rootd is designed to calm you down from an attack. I have found it super helpful once I paid for it. They give you a small taste of what their service offers for free but the free version isn't enough to bring you back back from an attack. I would recommend trying the free version out and if you think it can help you, consider paying for the service.
