Anxiety is stopping me from moving on in a relationship?
So for around three years now, I've been good friends with a girl, for the sake of this chat I'll call her 'H'. So H was a friend I met at college and after a few months of getting to know her, it was starting to become clear that she liked me more than friends, though she was shy. But back then I'd just turned 18, and I won't deny, I judged her solely on looks. And my friends at the time were also turning around and telling me I could do better.
Just before I turned 19, we'd distanced a little bit. And in this time I met another girl whom I got into a relationship with. I noticed quite soon that H had deleted me from Facebook, I messaged her asking what's gone on and she re-added me, told me she didn't know what happened. But I knew she was upset from me. And this relationship only lasted a month or two, and me and H became close friends again.
It got to this point where I thought, should I just get into a relationship with her? But I was still immature at this point, and distanced again when I got into a relationship with a girl I met at university, I'll call her 'K'
Me and K were together for just over a year. Although around eight months into the relationship, we'd hit quite a bit of trouble, and I needed one specific friend. H. And she was there straight away with open arms, despite me being a loser who'd distanced with her twice for another girl, she was still waiting there with open arms. She kept me sane during this abusive relationship with K, but things took a turn for the worst after the Summer, K was all the more abusive and I distanced from H yet again. We still spoke though so this wasn't as bad as the previous times and she understood why this time.
Me and K broke up at the beginning of this year, and since then I've been a mess. I realise more and more every day just how much torture I went through in that relationship, and I've become a lot closer with H since then. Even closer than we were before I'd gotten into other relationships.
A few months after I broke up with K, H had broken up with her boyfriend, and one night I took her for a drive and we went to the coast, this was at midnight. I held her in my arms most of the night, we were both in quite a bad place, and later on I kissed her. I told her a few times I wanted to just stay friends with her but as time has gone on, we've done a lot more than just kissing, put it that way. I have developed feelings for her and we have admitted that we like each other, it's just me who's holding back, and that's because I'm scared.
I'm scared we'll get deep into a relationship again and that she'll turn into K. I know all girls aren't the same, and my friends tell me to get with H as well as she's been the one who's stuck by me and cares a lot about me. But K cared about me a lot at the beginning, and I wasn't expecting her to start beating me up and emotionally blackmailing me like she did. She stole from me and my family and left me in a bit of a financial mess with no appreciation whatsoever. H, another friend and my family have literally been picking up the pieces here.
I'm still depressed over my last relationship, and as much as H knows this and promises she's there for me, she doesn't deserve to have to go through this. I mean it might get to a point where we sleep in the same bed together and she ends up getting disturbed when I wake up sweating and in a panic after a nightmare (because those happen a lot) or she has to spend days with me being down all of the time. Times where I'm down, restless, edgy or just angry. I know she's promising to stick by me no matter what mood I'm in, but for one, I don't feel like she deserves it, and two I'm just anxious she'll get fed up of it one day and see for herself that she can do better.
I don't know how I deserve her after there's been two occasions I've distanced from her for other relationships. She really is a true friend and I can't bare to lose her if a relationship doesn't work out..
Relationships are like little classes arent they:) U cannot advance in one if you dont improve youre skill in emotionally sharing youre life .Even if it seems like you like someone, there is a lot of give and take, even if you eventually choose the first girl , you have to learn to get better at just being happy together, because that is what a good relationship is based on. You have distanced youreself from the first girl, made a few mistakes and hopefully learned from them.
So right now, What is it that you are offering? If you return to this girl who has been supportive, are you prepaired to give love? do you really love her or she just makes you feel good about yourself? These are the questions that you should answer before jumping in a relationship.there is no recipe for love, but there is an unspoken rule that even if you dont fall truly in love with someone you should also consider their feelings and what they want from you 
@Ylina
She does make me feel good about myself but at the same time I think I do love her too. She deserves some happiness in her life and I am prepared to give her it
@JLL118 it sounds like it may be good to take a minute and step back. Keep the friendship where it is at, because you don't want to ruin that friendship by having a "rebound" relationship (even though you do have feelings for her). Hopefully she will understand if you take things slow.
@JLL118
Welcome! Im Lizzy and Im currently a trained listener and intern. I hope you find what you are looking for here in 7 Cups. Please feel free to message me whenever. I will usually reply within the day and if Im online, you should expect a reply straight away! I specialise in anxiety, panic attacks and loneliness mostly but you are always free to message me for other reasons!
http://www.7cups.com/15248074
@JLL118
I'm glad that you've stayed friends with H through all this time. I'm sorry that your relationship with K turned scary and abusive =/.
It's understandable why you would be fearful that if you put in the same time with H like you did with K who seemed great at the beginning, that H will only end up hurting you like K. But you have known H for longer than K and considering all the times you have distanced yourself from H & she stil was willing to be a loyal friend definitely makes me think that H may be someone who will still care after the "beginning."
I'm sorry to hear that K stole from you and your family and that caused you to be in a bit of financial mess... I'm glad that H, another friend and your family have been supporting you through this time.
It makes sense that you're still upset over your last relationship. It takes time to get over things and we all need our own time. If you feel that way then maybe you should tell H that you believe you are interested in her -- but that before you start dating / getting in another relationship -- you may need some time before getting into anything serious to get over your last relationship.
I understand what you mean when you say that she doesn't deserve to go through this. No one does. You don't deserve to have gone through that experience with K anymore than H deserves to go through what it will be like to support you through this time of need. But if she wants to be there, it's your choice whether or not you would like to have her there / if you are ready to.
I'm sorry that you've been having nightmares where you end up waking up sweating and in a panic. That sounds painful =/. As for if you're worried if you will be a bother to be around when you're feeling down for a few days -- I think that humans in general go through that. We're we might be off for a few days, but then we different the next day or next few days. H seems like someone who would be able to understand -- she may be going through on and off days as well and be worried about the thing things towards you.
I'm sorry you're anxious that she will one day feel fed up and think or "realize" she can do better one day. There's no reason that will necessarily happen or that will be true. It's all about how you view things and filtering our thoughts to see if they're allligned with reality or bias because they're OUR thoughts. You should consider going to a therapist for your anxiety; going to therapy was what personally helped me most for my anxiety.
You should also look into 7 Cup's Anxiety Self Help Guide from Path>Self-Help Guides>Anxiety for techniques such as "Negative Thought Filtering" where you could do exercises with yourself of your thoughts like you would with a therapist.
I think that you definitely deserve her & hope you feel that way, too, one day! I'm glad that you know H is a true friend. Many people who are true friends can also be very understanding people. Even if the relationship doesn't work out, that doesn't mean that H won't still be willing to be friends with you! But you'll have to find out for yourself.
I wish you the best of luck with your friendship with H and in general! 
She really is a true friend and I can't bare to lose her if a relationship doesn't work out..
@JLL118
Welcome! Im Lizzy and Im currently a trained listener and intern. I hope you find what you are looking for here in 7 Cups. Please feel free to message me whenever. I will usually reply within the day and if Im online, you should expect a reply straight away! I specialise in anxiety, panic attacks and loneliness mostly but you are always free to message me for other reasons!
http://www.7cups.com/15248074