i need help

let me know if any of u feel relatable to this. I grew up in a dysfunctional toxic family so i never really knew what is love or thought of it as something useless and waste of time. But as i grew up, i kept getting attached to everyone very easily and kept expecting their time for me but they all left for their own needs and i'm left alone. I'm gonna turn 20 in less than a month and i've never dated or had a bf. guys aren't that interested in me idek why. there is this guy that i've been in love with for the past 2 years but he doesn't like me and keeps pushing me away. i respect his boundaries and i stay away from him. but recently he got into an accident and had a severe surgery. from then i've been stressed and emotional, i haven't been able to sleep as i kept getting anxious in my sleep. haven't been able to eat properly either due to anxiety. whenever i get a text, my heart starts pounding cuz i feel like it's something about him. his surgery was successful. but i still feel really bad for him and really emotional because i had to go through cancer and i know how exhausting it is to deal with sickness and hospitals and recovery etc. and i don't ever want people that i care about sooo much, go through anything even slightly similar that i had to go through. i have sooo much love and care for the people that i love but i cannot express them and none of them wants that love and care from me so i don't know where to put it. and it hurts that i cannot express it. if somebody loves or cares for someone else, they should know about it. everyone shoud know that they're being loved. but i cannot tell the guy that how much i care about him and how much i cried my eyes and heart out for him and prayed for him and had sleepless nights during his sickness because he doesn't want any of that from me. i cannot stop doing these for him because it's really  hard to not care for someone u adore soo much that you're ready to give everything up for them. i don't want him in my life anymore or to be my bf because over the past 2 years till now i had to go through *** for that guy and got nothing in return. yet i still cannot stop caring about him. i don't think i love him anymore but i still care about him to death and would do anything for his health.