Overwhelmed and feeling alone to deal with it

I'm trying so hard to keep living, working, socializing like a normal human.

I feel that I can't confide in anyone around me, especially the most distressing topics. Colleagues or not-really-friends avoid me when I try to share a little of my struggle.

Currently I deal with anxiety about:

- Social interaction with colleagues: i can t connect with my colleagues, they prefer to befriend others than me. I don t know if I m not interesting or my anxiety/sadness is visible even if I try to hide it.

- Social interaction with friends: I wanted to start a role playing game (paper version) with 3 people, they seem ok with it but I have self esteem issues and I m afraid that my anxiety will prevent me from doing it well. The improvisation part is the hardest, as I will lead the narrative, prepare the scenario etc.

- (TW: past sexual abuse) the police asked me some months ago to tell again everything about the rapes from my ex that happened 10+ years ago. It s because another complaint from another woman has been made. But I don t understand why I had to tell everything again, and my memory wasn t very good at the moment (traumatic amnesia).

+ i didn t want to read and confirm that everything that has been written by the police and I just sign it at the end, wanted to leave.

- Relationship with the other victim: she contacted me after filing her complaint and I tried to support her. But I feel stressed at the same time due to the triggers. And she thinks that there will be a trial and some news about it in september. It s just guesses but I feel panicked.

- Due to all the stress I want to sh a little, but I don't do it. I often have intrusive bad memories, difficulty to breath and to concentrate.

I just want to hide in my bed and not fight all of this. It s so hard and I feel so alone.