I cut the root

Hi, it's been a while since the last time I posted here on 7 cups.

I took hiatus for a bit because I think I was doing well on my life already and also; I was busy with my acads... everything works on my favor too. There's nothing to worry or what, not until the month of November until now started, I noticed that I kept thinking about things that I shouldn't be thinking about.

Everything is fine... but when I recall all things happened back in 2021, where it became the root of my depression, it troubles me. again.

I started stalking people again that became part of my jealousy and madness, because I don't know... You know the instincts? My instincts drowning the *** out of me.

My bf and I were good now. We don't fight like what we always had before, but there are times that I wanted to talk to him about things but afraid to do so because he might think I'm crazy for thinking that way... but then these instincts are confusing me. I don't know like maybe am just overthinking about it? or but maybe not?

I'm just so mad about this girl who throws shadows on her posts. Saying that, she misses him, the moments they had when they were together, the fact that she knows he has a girlfriend but keep on posting like telling the world how happy and proud she is he has a guy who she's hitting with that has a girlfriend.

And all her posts, I got to connect the dots. It triggers me. Like no joke.

My anxiety started.

My mental health is at risk, but I couldn't stop doing these things that put me into this.

Days passed by, I decided to cut the root. I decided to not stalk any females that are related to my bf.

But- it didn't end my crazy thoughts. Those posts I've seen, it stuck on my mind.

I know for sure that am not healed.

Thinking what happened during the year 2021, it crashed me my soul.

I thought am okay now, but I realized I was just suppressing these feelings inside. I thought maybe this will just go away eventually, but it's not. It still troubles me.

I really wanted to have a deep talk with my bf about us. About our issues back then, issues with ourselves and everything.

But we do not have that kind of affection, he doesn't do that kind of stuff. He has this principle that actions are proof to all. I don't disagree with him. He shows me how much he loves me. He really does everything to show his love, but when it comes to this stuff, he is not that guy.

I do not know how and when is the right time to tell him my suppressed feelings.

He is already planning about having a house, having kids, marrying me... but I don't want to jump into that without being fully healed.

All I wanted is to talk to him, that maybe someday, he will have the initiative to discuss our issues and eventually will put end to this suffering I've been feeling the whole time.

I kept on praying. I hope Lord answers my prayers.