Anhedonia
Anhedonia
Have any of you ever read the book “the silent patient”? In that book, a girl named Alicia made a painting named “Alcestis”, it was named after a Greek play where queen Alcestis sacrifices her life but gets betrayed and afterwards she goes silent. She couldn’t handle the pain or denial, she was neither angry nor sad.
She was silent.
She had nothing left to say.
So did Alicia.
I can feel her now. Because I have nothing left to say or feel either. 2023 was a hard year and I did my best to push it through to 2024. Made the biggest life decisions & major changes in life & gave up almost everything I had back then for peace & safety. But my mind went silent. I had nothing to say.
What would I say?
Nothing.
I’ve been getting everything I wanted ever since then. Life has not been good to me but Allah (swt) has been sending me a lot of blessings. My childhood dreams have been coming true. But I don’t feel the joy for these blessings because my mind is silent. And I cannot fix it. It feels like a coping mechanism & maybe it is. But I cannot get out of feeling like this.
I’m not depressed. Neither am I sad. I want to get better. But getting better feels like a chore. I don’t have that much energy left for any kind of chore. I’ve been doing all sorts of daily activities everyday, hanging out with friends, going to the gym etc.
But I don’t feel the joy anymore. It’s not the people, nor the workouts, nor any recent life events. I just don’t feel that rush of dopamine anymore.
My world used to be very colourful and bright. It’s all black and white now. Very clear. But without colors. I don’t want to paint, I don’t want to take pictures of the beautiful sky, I don’t even look at the sky anymore, I don’t read for pleasure anymore. Because thinking about doing these things exhaust me.
How happy was I? Seeing the sky full of different colours made me happy! Making a colourful paining made me happy! Looking at a stray animal in the eyes made me happy!
I forgot how to feel that way now.
I’m not unhappy. I’m not depressed. I’m not angry either. At anyone or anything.
Why don’t I feel that way again? I want to paint, my heart craves to make a new painting but my body doesn’t want to. I want to bring back my photographer self to capture the beautiful sky and beautiful Mother Nature. I want to go outside and play with the stray animals who once used to follow me all the way home everyday. But somehow my mind doesn’t even think about these anymore. I forgot how to do any of these.
I wake up everyday with no purpose. I wake up, go to the gym, attend classes, return home and lie in my bed. I have no purpose. I used to. I had a lot of dreams and goals and worked hard everyday to reach those goals. I don’t anymore. I cannot find the pleasure to work for these goals. Nor do I feel like I have a chance to reach those goals.
Hopeless? Maybe. But why tho? I don’t feel anything. Nothing.
@sensitiveBalsam7250
I find myself feeling exposed by these words. As if they've come from my own lips, I feel the zombified soul, frozen, but not cold. Yes, I feel you and I'm wondering? Are you by chance an enneagram type 4? Because it would make sense.
All I can say, is that feelings change. There's a time for everything under the sun, you see. I time for joy and a time for gloom, a time for painting and a time to cease from painting, a time to remember and a time to forget. And for me, though I long to write in my journal and feel connected with myself, this just may not be the time for me to do that right now. I'm learning to grow ok with the silence, I like it. I'm learning to appreciate the joy I find in ordinary things when I do because I know I won't always feel that way, besides there are more important things in the world that sometimes happiness won't allow us to see. So I guess I'm trying to say, maybe it's ok that you're not exactly ok? You know? Either way, I feel you and I think it's incredible that you painted a deep picture for me and all of us to see. Maybe not a brush stroke but by the stroke of a key. Perspective 😏 it can definitely change your feelings.
@wtvrsclvr wow your words are soo magical im shook. i cannot thank u enough for helping me see things through your prespective. see thats why i come to this place whenever i feel lost cuz i know there r some amazing poeple ready to help me and support me through my thick and thin. im so grateful for this comment truly. thank u again. as i wrote this post a long time ago, now a lot of things and my perspectives have changed hence im doing much better than b4.