Triggering situation with a guy at work - cannot make sense out of it and don’t know how to respond

There is this guy at work that is really handsome and at first seemed charming and sweet, but being around him makes me very self-conscious. His presence is a major anxiety trigger for reasons I’ll describe below. At one point, I felt very attracted to him, however I don’t know if I still am because he has not been very nice to me, and he showed a side that honestly disgusted me. Even though I want nothing to do with him anymore, because he started treating me differently as soon as he saw that I was getting flustered in his presence, I still feel really nervous around him, as if everything about me was being judged, as if every mistake, physical defect, character flaw, and unattractive trait was on display.

Until about 2-3 months ago, we were on relatively friendly terms, even though he never really started any conversations with me, despite being very talkative with everyone else, and I’m the one who was chatty if we ever talked. I’ve always been shy and awkward around him, however I tried my best to be nice and sweet, while staying professional, but that never impressed him. Then, for reasons I still can’t figure out because my behavior has been perfectly normal and acceptable, and previously friendly, he went from acting nice to acting extremely unfriendly and somewhat mean and rude and making me feel like I was being socially ostracized. I don’t think I was treating him differently from other people either, and everyone else at work seems happy with me, so I don’t know what I did.

Unfortunately, I am quite good at perceiving facial expressions, but it’s not always easy to know the reasons for them. What I have felt is a lot worse than rejection, because I actually felt tension and even hostility, and it feels very unsettling. What truly upsets me is this - even if he wasn’t attracted to me, I was never aware that he disliked me or distrusted me. I’ve been in several situations before where either someone was interested in me and I wasn’t, or I had expressed interest in someone and they weren’t interested, but we were all nice to each other about it. I never even expressed interest in this person (although maybe it was obvious that I was always nervous and excited around him), and he’s treated me as if I was a menace just for existing. I actually don’t even feel comfortable making even brief eye contact with him, because then he gives me a death stare and clearly does not want me to notice him. Then he also glares if he sees that you see him and intentionally ignore him (for good reason), so it is a no-win situation.

I never expected this person to like me back, but I’m puzzled by the way he’s acted towards me. I’m sure he must be used to women being all over him, demonstrating much more interest than I have (unless maybe he’s gay?). In any case, when I first met him he was warm and friendly, and I feel as if he liked my personality. Likewise, I actually used to really like his personality and sense of humor, not just his looks, until he started being a ***.

A few months ago (maybe 4 months ago) I was under the impression that he liked me (he was staring a lot and it was nothing inappropriate but it was definitely noticeable and it made me feel scrutinized). He would also glance a lot from across the hallways and smile in my direction. So then I wasted a lot of time and energy trying to look cute and pretty for him. However, he obviously wants nothing to do with me anymore (I’m not sure if maybe he went into a committed relationship and I was an unwanted distraction?) Unfortunately, that short phase he went through lasted just long enough for me to pick up on it and begin to have feelings, which has made this quite painful for me. Going through a breakup with my fiancé before this happened does not help either. As soon as his short phase came to an end, he treated me like I wasn’t even a human being, which really hurt me and damaged me, especially because I felt like I was led into liking him, which made it really hard to detach emotionally. Worse than that, he actually made me feel like I did something wrong.

For months, I’ve asked myself “what have I done?”. I flirted with him once but we were both going along with it and it “just happened”. Did I do anything too flirtatious or inappropriate? No. Did I stare too much? No. Did I make it too obvious that I was into him? Nothing that I’m aware of (other than being flustered and fidgety and talking too much when he’s around). Did I ever “mislead him” in any way? No. The only thing I could think of that has some truth to it is that I was just too nervous and socially awkward around him which made him nervous. However, I have a feeling this person is not very logical and I often can’t make sense out of his behavior.

Other explanations are either that he found out that I was attracted to him and felt creeped out by it for whatever reason, or if he ever did have any warm feelings towards me (which I thought he did at first) the fact that he knows that I still stay friends with my ex-fiancé may have disgusted him.

Almost overnight, he stopped returning my greetings, then looked agitated every time he saw me (even getting up from his seat in his office next to mine to walk around somewhere else when I had to leave my office to do errands around the building), would look away and pretend not to see me when I was talking to our mutual friends and he would walk by and I would look towards him to join the conversation, and then would glare angrily and even display guarded body language every time I made eye contact or even when I walked by him to go from one place to another (what did I do? and what is so menacing about a small thin person to some tall muscular guy?) This made me so uncomfortable that I started avoiding him and had to schedule my day around not accidentally running into him. It made me feel like a prisoner to my desk. If I even accidentally looked at him, he would immediately start getting tense and look over his shoulder. This person made me feel like some sort of serial killer for no reason (full disclosure, I have previously been a victim of sexual harassment and stalking, and I know what it looks like).

I’ve tried completely avoiding him, especially because I feel hurt and self-conscious every time I’m around him, however this is kind of difficult since we work in the same building and I sometimes see him drive by when I walk to work.

The irony is that when I give him the same treatment that he gave me (not half as rude as he was) he looks puzzled and angry and also glares. My current approach is to not even acknowledge his presence and look away if he’s there. I answer if he has a work-related question and that’s it. Otherwise, I want nothing to do with him.

If I had my way, I would never see him again as soon as I stopped being friendly with him 2-3 months ago.

Then when he saw that I was uncomfortable when we accidentally saw each other, he also glared as if I’d been rude. A few times when he said hello, I just gave him a polite hello back but tensed up. Because it is awkward for me to be around someone who I used to have feelings for but did not return them (or maybe did in the very beginning but then turned on me very quickly), does he not understand why I look tense and nervous and would rather be distant? Maybe I would like to move on from someone who has treated me this way so I could focus my attention on someone who actually loves me and someone who actually deserves me? He now acts even more uncomfortable around me ever since I have distanced myself completely and showed tense body language (not even intentionally). To summarize where it’s currently at, if we accidentally make eye contact, he gives the “death glare” and it makes me wonder how such hostility built up. So now, I’m afraid of even accidentally coming across him, because the experience poisons my work day.

Why does he even care about how I act, other than to be a self-righteous jerk? I already gave him the message that I’m moving on, so why does he have to be a ***? This only makes it more difficult to detach, because it is like ripping open an old wound, reminding me of how I felt 2-3 months ago. It means nothing to him, so why can’t he just be at peace with my being nervous and distant? Why can’t he look at the context and at least be forgiving and sympathetic to the reason and try to see my perspective instead of raising his eyebrows and glaring? If he’s truly bothered by everything I do, then why doesn’t this otherwise outgoing person just communicate this instead of using angry looks or scurrying away when he sees me? If he doesn’t want to have an intelligent conversation about this weirdness, than what is it to him? I have the right to not have positive feelings and to feel however I want. Why should I feel good about someone who for two months (enough time to fall for someone) gave mixed messages and a trail of breadcrumbs of interest (all these smiles and glances and greetings that led nowhere but were enough to lead someone on) only to turn on me suddenly? Or did he conveniently forget about this?

Then a couple of weeks ago, he briefly switched back to his “on” mood, where he started staring at me again (this is after I switched to contact lenses). Of course he did not seem to understand or care that this was making me self-conscious and nervous, so he saw that I was very tense and then switched back to his “off” mood. I’m not sure how I felt either about yet another breadcrumb of false hope from a confused person, that would lead me nowhere but to a path where I would be once again mislead, only to be treated later as if I carried diseases, as soon as he changes his mind again. What was the point of this? To rip open a wound that had finally started healing and pour lemon juice on it?

Maybe he could keep this in mind (that I felt self-conscious and mislead) instead of assuming that I didn’t like him? And then, when he goes back to his “off” mood, maybe he could at least be cognizant of the fact that he had given off certain cues? If he doesn’t want someone to like him or notice him at all (which he seems very perceptive to) then why can’t he at least be consistent instead of confusing someone? Does he even understand that I’m completely confused by him and don’t know how to react? Could he at least be sensitive to the fact that a lot of the vibes I give off are just a product of anxiety, instead of judging me?

Being around him is like walking on eggshells because I feel like I can’t do anything without eliciting some negative reaction. On one hand, If I try to smile and say hello and make eye contact, he would most likely ignore me, or he would assume that I’m still interested, and if I do a single thing that could even be remotely construed as showing interest, it will agitate him and he’ll act like he does not want to be seen. I think he would also confuse my trying to be friendly (which for the most part is all I ever did) with my trying to get his attention. But then, when I started tensing up in his presence, or looking in the other direction, when I accidentally saw him, that was not well received either. Maybe he sensed bitterness? I can’t help how I feel, but that doesn’t mean I would do anything bad to him.

What really annoys me too is that he seems to confuse my trying to impress people (a product of social anxiety and feeling self-conscious) with trying to grab his attention. If I try to dress up in cute dresses or “show off” my skills at work to impress people (when sometimes he’s around), he’ll give another one of those “death glares”, as if I should cease to exist. But what even makes him think this is for him, as if the world revolves around him? It’s for me, not him. Likewise, what he may perceive as my feeling upset, has less to do with him, than the way he has made me feel. Even when I fall in love with someone else, I will never forget just how lousy he made me feel.

Never mind that it’s kind of insulting when someone who everyone says is so “friendly” and “sweet” and such a “great guy” and such a “social guy” has barely spoken a word to me, even when we were on better terms, and I’m the one (out of all people) who tried to start conversations? Maybe he could keep that in mind if he wants to dismiss me as an unsocial person (I overheard him say something to that effect once in the hallways). I don’t want anything to do with him unless he is willing to explain this behavior.

If I have the misfortune of having to see this person at work, how do I deal with the distress it is causing? How am I supposed to forget about this when the way he acts towards me is so triggering and rips open healing wounds?

And how do I make sense out of it and react to it? It seems that no matter what I do, I’ll be made to feel like a did something terrible and unacceptable. I’m not perfect and I often act frazzled and flustered, but all I ever did was like him, without even making it obvious. That wasn’t my fault. I never wanted to make him nervous either, and I’m not that kind of person. Part of me even feels like he is jumping to the worst assumptions about me so that he doesn’t have to feel any sympathy. I can’t help it if I sometimes draw people away due to my social anxiety. I’m not like him and we’re not on the same playing field.

If I can’t engage with him at all, but then can’t ignore him either, without feeling judged as if I’m weird, then what am I supposed to do if I see him. I’ve honestly thought of switching jobs.