MissMouse2023 Member Profile

High social anxiety levels around my male coworker who is attractive but isn't nice

Work & Career / by MissMouse2023

June 25th, 2023

...See more I am super shy and self-conscious around him, even though I'm not even sure whether I like him anymore because he's not very nice to me. I find him attractive but I don’t know him and I don’t even know whether he’s single. So far, I have kept my distance and minded my own business. The issue is that something about the way he acts makes it hard to forget him and I can't get him off my mind :( When we were friendly, I only had about three conversations with him, but they were fun and lively. Until about three months ago we were on friendly terms, but then he kept on giving me mixed messages I could not make sense out of, and then I suddenly started receiving social cues that he wanted nothing to do with me, so I figured he didn’t want to be friends (maybe I was an unwanted distraction if he was in a relationship?), so I moved on and ignored him. Then I even avoided him by making some changes to my schedule. But then we still saw each other from time to time, so I just tried to go about my business and pretend he didn’t exist. However, just when I began to start feeling better and forgetting about him, he started glancing and staring at me again, and then looking upset when he saw that I just looked tense and nervous (because the whole situation is awkward for me), as if I was being rude. The last time we interacted was in the kitchen when I was accidentally in his way when I didn’t need to be in that spot. He sort of barged in my personal space because I wasn’t paying attention that someone was behind me. I moved and said sorry and he said no problem, then I glanced at his face to see and gage whether I should make small talk with him just to ease tension, but he looked completely uncomfortable and nervous, so I left the scene and sort of scurried away as I brought back my cleaned dishes. Since then, when I pass him in the hallways, if I even do so much as accidentally look at him, he glares in this angry, defensive, and somewhat hostile way. Then he often scurries away when he sees me, or if he has to walk past me, he’ll walk much faster as he’s passing by me. What did I do? He obviously has no desire to converse with me, so I think that my unsocial behavior makes perfect sense. When I acted nice and sweet to him months ago (while staying professional and acting normally, yet shy and awkward), he was at first very nice to me, would often glance and smile at me, and once we flirted. But he also gave me mixed messages (such as smiling and greeting me one day but purposely not returning my greeting the next day and acting agitated around me, making negative comments about me in the hallways, and many other inconsistent and off-putting behaviors), which became more and more frequent, and then, almost overnight, he suddenly acted like he wanted to avoid me at all costs. It's as if as soon as he "changed his mind" he wanted to erase my existence and deem me to be worthless as a human being. So I quickly stopped engaging with him, but apparently that irritates him too, so it's like my very presence on this earth bothers him, even though my behavior at work has been exemplary, and no one else has an issue with me. I'll also add that this guy is otherwise very social and outgoing and everyone talks about how he is such a "sweet guy", when he is only nice when he wants to be, and he acts like he is annoyed by the presence of people who are different from him. I have social anxiety, OCD, and other anxiety disorders and it makes people like him think that I'm not worth socializing with or getting to know. Whatever his problem is, I am not going to revolve my entire work day around avoiding him, concealing myself behind my computer, being afraid of my own shadow, and hiding away as if I did something to be ashamed of, as if I was some sort of criminal, just because someone feels inconvenienced by me when I did absolutely nothing to them. This is now only his problem and not mine. However, the most painful part of this situation is that when I sense this sort of negative judgement, it makes me long for his approval again, even if he doesn't intend this, so it's like having an old wound ripped open again and it makes it hard to get this off my mind. If this guy has any remaining desire to socialize with me, or at least see my perspective, can't he understand that the reason why I have been cold and guarded around him is not because I didn't like him or rejected him, but because he wasn't nice to me? I'm so tired of being misread.

Triggering situation with a guy at work - cannot make sense out of it and don’t know how to respond

Anxiety Support / by MissMouse2023

June 9th, 2023

...See more There is this guy at work that is really handsome and at first seemed charming and sweet, but being around him makes me very self-conscious. His presence is a major anxiety trigger for reasons I’ll describe below. At one point, I felt very attracted to him, however I don’t know if I still am because he has not been very nice to me, and he showed a side that honestly disgusted me. Even though I want nothing to do with him anymore, because he started treating me differently as soon as he saw that I was getting flustered in his presence, I still feel really nervous around him, as if everything about me was being judged, as if every mistake, physical defect, character flaw, and unattractive trait was on display. Until about 2-3 months ago, we were on relatively friendly terms, even though he never really started any conversations with me, despite being very talkative with everyone else, and I’m the one who was chatty if we ever talked. I’ve always been shy and awkward around him, however I tried my best to be nice and sweet, while staying professional, but that never impressed him. Then, for reasons I still can’t figure out because my behavior has been perfectly normal and acceptable, and previously friendly, he went from acting nice to acting extremely unfriendly and somewhat mean and rude and making me feel like I was being socially ostracized. I don’t think I was treating him differently from other people either, and everyone else at work seems happy with me, so I don’t know what I did. Unfortunately, I am quite good at perceiving facial expressions, but it’s not always easy to know the reasons for them. What I have felt is a lot worse than rejection, because I actually felt tension and even hostility, and it feels very unsettling. What truly upsets me is this - even if he wasn’t attracted to me, I was never aware that he disliked me or distrusted me. I’ve been in several situations before where either someone was interested in me and I wasn’t, or I had expressed interest in someone and they weren’t interested, but we were all nice to each other about it. I never even expressed interest in this person (although maybe it was obvious that I was always nervous and excited around him), and he’s treated me as if I was a menace just for existing. I actually don’t even feel comfortable making even brief eye contact with him, because then he gives me a death stare and clearly does not want me to notice him. Then he also glares if he sees that you see him and intentionally ignore him (for good reason), so it is a no-win situation. I never expected this person to like me back, but I’m puzzled by the way he’s acted towards me. I’m sure he must be used to women being all over him, demonstrating much more interest than I have (unless maybe he’s gay?). In any case, when I first met him he was warm and friendly, and I feel as if he liked my personality. Likewise, I actually used to really like his personality and sense of humor, not just his looks, until he started being a ***. A few months ago (maybe 4 months ago) I was under the impression that he liked me (he was staring a lot and it was nothing inappropriate but it was definitely noticeable and it made me feel scrutinized). He would also glance a lot from across the hallways and smile in my direction. So then I wasted a lot of time and energy trying to look cute and pretty for him. However, he obviously wants nothing to do with me anymore (I’m not sure if maybe he went into a committed relationship and I was an unwanted distraction?) Unfortunately, that short phase he went through lasted just long enough for me to pick up on it and begin to have feelings, which has made this quite painful for me. Going through a breakup with my fiancé before this happened does not help either. As soon as his short phase came to an end, he treated me like I wasn’t even a human being, which really hurt me and damaged me, especially because I felt like I was led into liking him, which made it really hard to detach emotionally. Worse than that, he actually made me feel like I did something wrong. For months, I’ve asked myself “what have I done?”. I flirted with him once but we were both going along with it and it “just happened”. Did I do anything too flirtatious or inappropriate? No. Did I stare too much? No. Did I make it too obvious that I was into him? Nothing that I’m aware of (other than being flustered and fidgety and talking too much when he’s around). Did I ever “mislead him” in any way? No. The only thing I could think of that has some truth to it is that I was just too nervous and socially awkward around him which made him nervous. However, I have a feeling this person is not very logical and I often can’t make sense out of his behavior. Other explanations are either that he found out that I was attracted to him and felt creeped out by it for whatever reason, or if he ever did have any warm feelings towards me (which I thought he did at first) the fact that he knows that I still stay friends with my ex-fiancé may have disgusted him. Almost overnight, he stopped returning my greetings, then looked agitated every time he saw me (even getting up from his seat in his office next to mine to walk around somewhere else when I had to leave my office to do errands around the building), would look away and pretend not to see me when I was talking to our mutual friends and he would walk by and I would look towards him to join the conversation, and then would glare angrily and even display guarded body language every time I made eye contact or even when I walked by him to go from one place to another (what did I do? and what is so menacing about a small thin person to some tall muscular guy?) This made me so uncomfortable that I started avoiding him and had to schedule my day around not accidentally running into him. It made me feel like a prisoner to my desk. If I even accidentally looked at him, he would immediately start getting tense and look over his shoulder. This person made me feel like some sort of serial killer for no reason (full disclosure, I have previously been a victim of sexual harassment and stalking, and I know what it looks like). I’ve tried completely avoiding him, especially because I feel hurt and self-conscious every time I’m around him, however this is kind of difficult since we work in the same building and I sometimes see him drive by when I walk to work. The irony is that when I give him the same treatment that he gave me (not half as rude as he was) he looks puzzled and angry and also glares. My current approach is to not even acknowledge his presence and look away if he’s there. I answer if he has a work-related question and that’s it. Otherwise, I want nothing to do with him. If I had my way, I would never see him again as soon as I stopped being friendly with him 2-3 months ago. Then when he saw that I was uncomfortable when we accidentally saw each other, he also glared as if I’d been rude. A few times when he said hello, I just gave him a polite hello back but tensed up. Because it is awkward for me to be around someone who I used to have feelings for but did not return them (or maybe did in the very beginning but then turned on me very quickly), does he not understand why I look tense and nervous and would rather be distant? Maybe I would like to move on from someone who has treated me this way so I could focus my attention on someone who actually loves me and someone who actually deserves me? He now acts even more uncomfortable around me ever since I have distanced myself completely and showed tense body language (not even intentionally). To summarize where it’s currently at, if we accidentally make eye contact, he gives the “death glare” and it makes me wonder how such hostility built up. So now, I’m afraid of even accidentally coming across him, because the experience poisons my work day. Why does he even care about how I act, other than to be a self-righteous jerk? I already gave him the message that I’m moving on, so why does he have to be a ***? This only makes it more difficult to detach, because it is like ripping open an old wound, reminding me of how I felt 2-3 months ago. It means nothing to him, so why can’t he just be at peace with my being nervous and distant? Why can’t he look at the context and at least be forgiving and sympathetic to the reason and try to see my perspective instead of raising his eyebrows and glaring? If he’s truly bothered by everything I do, then why doesn’t this otherwise outgoing person just communicate this instead of using angry looks or scurrying away when he sees me? If he doesn’t want to have an intelligent conversation about this weirdness, than what is it to him? I have the right to not have positive feelings and to feel however I want. Why should I feel good about someone who for two months (enough time to fall for someone) gave mixed messages and a trail of breadcrumbs of interest (all these smiles and glances and greetings that led nowhere but were enough to lead someone on) only to turn on me suddenly? Or did he conveniently forget about this? Then a couple of weeks ago, he briefly switched back to his “on” mood, where he started staring at me again (this is after I switched to contact lenses). Of course he did not seem to understand or care that this was making me self-conscious and nervous, so he saw that I was very tense and then switched back to his “off” mood. I’m not sure how I felt either about yet another breadcrumb of false hope from a confused person, that would lead me nowhere but to a path where I would be once again mislead, only to be treated later as if I carried diseases, as soon as he changes his mind again. What was the point of this? To rip open a wound that had finally started healing and pour lemon juice on it? Maybe he could keep this in mind (that I felt self-conscious and mislead) instead of assuming that I didn’t like him? And then, when he goes back to his “off” mood, maybe he could at least be cognizant of the fact that he had given off certain cues? If he doesn’t want someone to like him or notice him at all (which he seems very perceptive to) then why can’t he at least be consistent instead of confusing someone? Does he even understand that I’m completely confused by him and don’t know how to react? Could he at least be sensitive to the fact that a lot of the vibes I give off are just a product of anxiety, instead of judging me? Being around him is like walking on eggshells because I feel like I can’t do anything without eliciting some negative reaction. On one hand, If I try to smile and say hello and make eye contact, he would most likely ignore me, or he would assume that I’m still interested, and if I do a single thing that could even be remotely construed as showing interest, it will agitate him and he’ll act like he does not want to be seen. I think he would also confuse my trying to be friendly (which for the most part is all I ever did) with my trying to get his attention. But then, when I started tensing up in his presence, or looking in the other direction, when I accidentally saw him, that was not well received either. Maybe he sensed bitterness? I can’t help how I feel, but that doesn’t mean I would do anything bad to him. What really annoys me too is that he seems to confuse my trying to impress people (a product of social anxiety and feeling self-conscious) with trying to grab his attention. If I try to dress up in cute dresses or “show off” my skills at work to impress people (when sometimes he’s around), he’ll give another one of those “death glares”, as if I should cease to exist. But what even makes him think this is for him, as if the world revolves around him? It’s for me, not him. Likewise, what he may perceive as my feeling upset, has less to do with him, than the way he has made me feel. Even when I fall in love with someone else, I will never forget just how lousy he made me feel. Never mind that it’s kind of insulting when someone who everyone says is so “friendly” and “sweet” and such a “great guy” and such a “social guy” has barely spoken a word to me, even when we were on better terms, and I’m the one (out of all people) who tried to start conversations? Maybe he could keep that in mind if he wants to dismiss me as an unsocial person (I overheard him say something to that effect once in the hallways). I don’t want anything to do with him unless he is willing to explain this behavior. If I have the misfortune of having to see this person at work, how do I deal with the distress it is causing? How am I supposed to forget about this when the way he acts towards me is so triggering and rips open healing wounds? And how do I make sense out of it and react to it? It seems that no matter what I do, I’ll be made to feel like a did something terrible and unacceptable. I’m not perfect and I often act frazzled and flustered, but all I ever did was like him, without even making it obvious. That wasn’t my fault. I never wanted to make him nervous either, and I’m not that kind of person. Part of me even feels like he is jumping to the worst assumptions about me so that he doesn’t have to feel any sympathy. I can’t help it if I sometimes draw people away due to my social anxiety. I’m not like him and we’re not on the same playing field. If I can’t engage with him at all, but then can’t ignore him either, without feeling judged as if I’m weird, then what am I supposed to do if I see him. I’ve honestly thought of switching jobs.

Social Anxiety Caused by Appearance

Anxiety Support / by MissMouse2023

June 4th, 2023

Humiliating Situation At Work - Need Help on How to Fix This

Anxiety Support / by MissMouse2023

May 25th, 2023

...See more I have both anxiety and OCD, which comes with cleaning obsessions - what happened is this - I accidentally clogged the toilet at work because I used way too much paper (having IBS does not help either), and this usually does not happen because I flush a million times to avoid this (and it’s high-powered), but this time I was tired and felt rushed, so I was not paying attention to flush as often. Thankfully, there was only paper in there 😰 because I had flushed twice before that, however not everyone knows that when they hear someone clogged the toilet 😣😬☹️☹️☹️ I also wasn’t thinking very clearly that day because I have been taking a bit too much Ativan (almost every work day for two weeks now)… So, I was too humiliated and flustered to tell housekeeping (and I was not sure how to get into the supplies closet for the plunger, and didn’t want people to see me unclog it anyways) so I was really lazy and selfish and figured that because they usually clean the upstairs bathrooms about an hour after this happened, it would be taken care of then. However, the head-boss (my boss’s boss’s boss), who happens to be the CEO of this small business, discovered this first and housekeeping must have been occupied somewhere else, so I saw her come upstairs with a mop (because it had overflown). She then came out of the bathroom with a transparent bag full of soggy toilet paper and then she announced to everyone that the toilets upstairs can’t take too much paper and that because the plunger would not work, she had to put on gloves and reach in with her hands to pull out the paper 😬😣One of the people who overheard was the CFO who has an office next to me 😣😣😣 The CEO must have known it was me because I was the first person she talked to about it (while saying my name). Then there are a couple of other people on that floor who have offices there (all of which are my superiors) 😬 and there are customers who visit that floor too. Then, because my office is near a couple of staircases, some people downstairs could have heard this too, and I’m afraid that when she got the mop from downstairs, she could have talked about the clogged toilet overflowing and people could have guessed it was me 😰 because not too many people have their office there (unless it was a customer). Then, when one of my superiors was leaving to say goodbye for the night, she gave me this weird look 😬☹️☹️ I’m afraid that everyone I wanted to impress, or at least not make a complete idiot out of myself in front of (my superiors, someone who works downstairs that I’m attracted to), will know that I’m the one who screwed up, and they will think “what the *** is wrong with her” and also think I am really sloppy and selfish for leaving behind a clogged toilet 😰😬😣☹️ I am afraid that people will talk about it when I’m not there, and because it is a small gossipy place, everyone will know about it, and everyone will know it was me 😰😰😰 Everyone will think I am a weirdo for using too much paper and careless and stupid for not notifying someone when there was a clog ☹️☹️☹️🤬🤬 I’ll be socially ostracized, people will think there is something wrong with me, and my superiors will think I’m stupid. It is bad enough that my social anxiety and OCD-related intrusive thoughts make me panic and “freeze” which makes me perform less well and probably makes me look and act in ways that make people think I’m weird. If people know what happened and know it was me who f****d up, how could I fix my reputation?

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