How to stop oversharing?

@selfdisciplinedLime8972

Hi Lime! 😊  ❤️  Thank you for your amazing forum post! I can relate to your question, many struggle with the very same things and who wouldn't want to become an even better conversationalist? You are not alone! I commend you for having the courage to share of yourself with us and I know it's not always easy to do so. 

While I cannot provide advice, meaning "you should go and do this", what I can offer to you are tips and tricks that I use in daily life that serve me well to answer your direct question about "me" or things that I have heard that work well for others. Simply a sharing of information in effort to be helpful. Please feel free to never subjugate your thoughts, feelings or process for mine.

I imagine many struggle with the "uncomfortable silence" in social situations. For some, it can be related to self esteem, for others it could be related to feelings of social anxiety in general, nervousness, comfortability level of the person with whom we are speaking with, and a myriad of others factors.

I commend you for being highly self aware, noticing that this is something that you are doing and for reaching out for help and support on how to better navigate dialogue with others. Having said that, the operative word here is" dialogue" and so that means two people speaking. Not a monologue where it is only you that is required to speak. Yes, that sounds pretty stressful to feel as if you are required to do all of the talking with out the other party holding up their end of the conversation.

For me, remembering that is quite helpful in and of itself! 😊 I try to remember that if I'm going to have a conversation with someone, for it to happen, they need to contribute as well. I try to remember that silence could be potentially a bit uncomfortable for the other party also. Many times, I will say what I need to say and then I "shuttie" lol 😊. I close my mouth and maintain eye contact with the person I am speaking with. If need be, I just focus on my breathing or even count in my mind the seconds that go by until they respond. Now it is I, that is taking their "inventory" on how well they are able to hold a conversation and interact.

No comment from them, I can ask a question ...one that is open ended (requires more than a yes or no response). One could change the topic at that point also? There should be a bit of turn taking and reciprocity when speaking with another and it shouldn't ever require me to prattle on mindlessly in an effort to fill silence.

Investing in others, asking about them, genuinely caring about others and discussing things that they might enjoy talking about can really make for great conversations and for friendships to grow. That seems to be a bit easier for me as I feel that I have something to learn from anyone and everyone...I just need to give them a chance to do so and to for me to listen.

Do you have someone in real life that you feel is a really good conversationalist? If so, you could ask them to help you and to role play with you for a few chats. You could practice. You could even ask them to start intentionally making it "awkward" after a while so that it requires you to put your skills to the test and to practice.

Others ideas that could potentially be of help could be reading books related specifically to social interactions. A good start could be "How to Say It" and "How to Say It at Work". Something that I haven't read, but I hear it recommended to others often is "How to Win Friends and Influence People". I have heard that it is a bit outdated in regard to somethings, written long ago however, the basic tenants still hold true.

There is a guy on youtube and I can't remember his name, but he is a professional speaker and conversational guru. I just so happen to have seen some of his things come into my feed so I have clicked on some simply because I find him to be incredibly clever and really entertaining. He speaks about voice level, threading a conversation, intonation, pitch, cadence, body language, all kinds of really neat things.

He recommends video taping ones self while answering pre set questions and seeing what it is that the rest of the world see's and working from there to potentially refine how it is that one speaks as well as other things. You could simply do a youtube search in regard to "public speaking" and he might be someone that comes up? If I recall his name, I'll come back with it here and tag you. 😊

Hoping that some of these ideas may be a good start in the right direction if you would like to do so. Going through some or all of these steps could build a solid knowledge base, increase self esteem and reduce anxiety over time.

Thanks again for this great forum post! I'm hoping that there may be something of value here for you. If not, perhaps others will benefit from the dialogue we are having and or others hopefully will come along and make great contributions of their own. I'm really excited to hear what others might have to say!

*high fives* 😊 and *hugs* ❤️

@selfdisciplinedLime8972

Hi Lime! 😊 ❤️  As promised, I have thought of that guys name and am back to share it with you.

His name is Vinh Giang and he puts out great stuff on youtube. I like his style in how he relates, his personality, his way of "being". He seems to really care about what it is that he is doing, is incredibly charismatic and makes you feel as if he is speaking directly to you. 

(As an aside, I went ahead and subscribed to him just now. He's so intelligent and speaks to me in a way that I am able to understand. Feel free to subscribe if you end up liking his content too).

*high fives* 😊 and *hugs* ❤️

Practice biting your tongue gentle of course and ask questions about the other people and don’t always relate it to yourself, genuinely be interested in compassionately sincerely knowing them