Question: How to better deal with disagreements
My partner and I had a fight tonight - he got really upset about something I did, which he was right to be upset. It was a stupid mistake, and based on a decision I made when I was distracted and not paying enough attention. (tween child asked for an app, turns out it's not a safe one for kids, husband mad we didn't have a family discussion about it before I let them add it on their phone. Asked when I was working and distracted)
Whenever we have a serious issue like this, I shut down. I'm stuck in my head, my thoughts racing, trying to find words to explain what happened without feeling like I'm making stupid excuses, that I'm kicking myself for making this mistake again, and letting him down, bla bla bla. So when he wants to talk about things, even if he is angry, I cannot find the words to have the conversation. Which makes him even more frustrated.
I don't know how to not do this. :(
And then while trying to figure out why I do this and searching for ADHD resources, I found this discussion in a "partners of ADHD folks" group, which got me even more worked up.
It's not that I don't want to talk about it - I know we need to. But I haven't any idea where to start, especially when I'm upset.
And I need to figure out how to slow myself down when dealing with something like this again so I don't do it yet again.
Would love to hear how others deal with these kinds of things.
@galfromaway
I am sorry to hear that you and your husband had an argument. Parenting feels like a 24/7 job sometimes. With what our youth have access to through technology, it makes our job so much harder nowadays. We also have added responsibilities that take our time, like work, to ensure we can survive. So I feel like life is set up in a way that is already challenging, let alone when a home has neurodivergency; it adds extra variables to the equation. We all make mistakes in life, no one is perfect, so I hope you are not being too hard on yourself. These things happen.
As far as speaking with your husband, the key here I think is having you both agree to be calm while you discuss things. It will make the conversation more productive if you can both come from a place where your nervous systems are regulated. When I have disagreements with my husband we give each other space first to regulate.
Some ways we do that are taking a walk, doing some breathing exercises, meditating or listening to some soft music. Do whatever works best for you. Then we circle back to talk once we are both calm and nine times out of ten we solve the issue and forgive one another. If you find saying the right thing during conversation is challenging, maybe try writing down your thoughts ahead of time on paper. Then present them when you talk to your husband. This will avoid the freeze fear response from taking over and you will be sure to have covered all your points.