Partner with ADHD
Hi everyone,
I've recently started a relationship with someone who has ADHD. He's been pretty honest with me about it and we have talked somewhat about it and what he experiences and so on. But I'm still learning to navigate it all. It's hard for me to tell when his behaviour is driven by symptoms and when it's driven by... well me I guess.
For example, sometimes he's more distant and aloof, other times he's very cuddly and affectionate. He has told me that he can get quite big mood swings sometimes. But it's just... I'm not really sure what that means? I mean, are they just random? Or are they just intense responses to what's going on around you? Also, how do they affect your "baseline" emotions. When you aren't experiencing mood swings, do those feelings you had previously factor into how you feel/think/relate to someone?
I'd be grateful for any experiences people can share. I know every person experiences symptoms differently, but it would be helpful for me to hear as many perspectives as possible. Also, if there are any tips you can give on how best to support my partner, I'd appreciate those also.
Thanks in advance!
@confusedRaven6140
Hello!
I think it’s amazing that you are researching and looking for ways to better understand your partner.
That is more than some are willing to do.
I hope others can find this and share there stories/perspectives
with you<3 🌱✨
@innateJoy9602
Thank you. I just... I want this relationship to work. I want my partner to feel loved and accepted, but I also need to make sure I don't fall through the cracks. I need to be able to ask for what I need in the relationship, but I want to do so with compassion and understanding. So I'm just trying to figure out how to navigate all of that.
I think I also need to discuss with my partner more. Because I think he's also on board with this. I think he wants the relationship to work as well. But... I'm not sure. I mean I realise it's an effort on his end as well to have to consider not only how his ADHD affects him, but also how it affects me. I'm more than willing to make the effort on my end, but I guess I should ask him if he's willing to make it on his end.
Your partners work towards managing his ADHD is absolutely crucial but almost as much so is your ability to understand it with him.
I too have been in a relationship that was deeply impacted by ADHD--I was diagnosed, but the diagnosis came perhaps too far after the fact to salvage anything.
However, I learned now just how much a mutual understanding of my personal challenges through the disorder would have benefited and improved our relationship and we both know about it.
Two very incredible books that I've recently read about the impact of ADHD upon marriage/relationships may be helpful to you as well.
-- The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov
-- Loving Someone with Attention Deficit Disorder by Susan Tschundi
If you still have hope and are willing to fight for the relationship because you believe in it, I would recommend that you do everything you can to understand the disorder with him so that you can support each other through the challenges it brings to both of you
@SojourningScribbler
Thank you for your recommendation. Unfortunately he decided to end the relationship.
I'm deeply sorry to hear you say that. I know that feeling all too well as I indicated in my original reply to your post. If it's recent however I wouldn't necessarily give up hope that you could still have an interaction that could provide insight and understanding which might open up the opportunities for increased compassion and empathy towards your struggles.
It will most certainly be hard to be patient and proactive in your own learning and understanding and conscientious communication,especially if it might seem that your partner is not necessarily doing the same.
I don't know how long it has been since he made his decision, however, If you still talk at all at this point, that is already an incredible opportunity for potential resolution and restoration of relationship.
I certainly don't want to recommend being unnecessarily hopeful and expectant of a resolution if he's not open to doing so too, because that will only get you nowhere and likely inhibit your own healing and growth.
A relationship with only one person investing is quite simply not a relationship, they have to be reciprocal and mutual.
But if you invested any amount of time and effort into this relationship and it was generally a good one apart from the challenges you encountered, and in many other respects you have seen each other as phenomenal human beings of value and worthy of respect and love, then that's not so easily left behind.
Certainly take this time away to pursue your own development, understanding, and peace of mind.
I can say from experience how much deeper you can go into your own insight of your own experiences through ADHD and how that impacts your relationships all around you as well as that of the your relationship to yourself most importantly. That knowledge is vital. That knowledge becomes an incredible tool for navigating maintaining and improving every other relationship around you.
And if your partner was and still is an incredible person who takes opportunity to understand and grow and develop on their own, there's a good possibility that they also May learn what they need to know about how to better relate to others and assume appropriate responsibility for their own contributions to dysfunction in their relationships.
One of the most significant strategies here is to carefully observe your own boundaries as well as your partners and also to be considerately communicative within that context. Consistent and clear communication is key.
And at first, especially after separation, that communication might be minimal at best. but over time it can tend to resume slowly building off of the good that still is seen and valued by that person and that can provide a platform for reintroduction and rebuilding of a new relationship.
One of my favorite authors and experts on relationships says this:
"Most people are going to have two or three marriages or committed relationships in their adult life. Some of us will have them with the same person." - Esther Perel, LMFT
Each time we lose connection and go through the process of death and rebirth within ourselves we become a new person and that's a new person for someone else to love and if that person is willing and able to do their own work as well, they too become a new person, an improved person that is someone different to love within that same personality that you used to know.
It's about commitment to communication and consideration of another and seeking the best for them and as well as yourself, not overcompromising one for the other--you must always look out for your own good. Just as in the illustration of oxygen masks on an airplane, You need to make sure that you are of sound mind and body and emotion before you help another or might become incapacitated yourself and can then therefore help no one. Be your own best advocate first and then extend that Grace and compassion outward as you find the growing abundance within yourself.
I hope that you find this helpful and not overbearing, I have a tendency to get lost in my train of thought when I begin an idea. I hope the best for you and especially so in the times that challenge you most that you never stop thinking and striving and searching for the growth and the value that is possible through such circumstances.
@SojourningScribbler
Thank you for your kind words and compassion. They're appreciated.
At this point, it has been about two and a half months. He was the one that had ADHD, though as far as I know that was not his reason for ending the relationship. I'm sure it had an impact as I'm sure it has an impact on everything in his life, but I'm... not entirely sure what his reasons were to be honest. He was just going through a rough time. I don't know if he was just tooscared and overwhelmed (it was only a 6 month relationship and it was getting serious), or he just didn't have feelings for me... I honestly don't know. He said he was confused and couldn't figure it out so we should just end the relationship. I'm not even sure what the "it" that he couldn't figure out was.
I was and still am open to having a good relationship with him, whatever the nature of that relationship. But... though he said he never intended to cut contact with me, so far the most I've got out of him voluntarily was a "hi". Although our relationship was good and even the breakup was... as good as a breakup can be... he just has barely been able to look towards me since the breakup. On the few occasions we've been in the same room, he's just gone out of his way to avoid me to the point of excluding himself from group conversations (with mutual friends) because I was a part of them and just sitting quietly by himself (which is very out of character for him. Usually, he's in the middle of the biggest group around. Talking loudly to literally everyone). I really don't understand where this is all coming from but he clearly wants as little to do with me as possible so all I can really do is give him space.
I did have hope to begin with because the whole thing just seemed like bad timing of a relationship getting serious at the same time as some things in his life happened that were pretty hard to deal with. And he really seemed to try to make it work and it seemed like he wanted the relationship, but was just too overwhelmed. But the way he's been behaving since the breakup has just kind of made me lose most of that hope. He just seems to not be able to stand me now and I have no clue why... :/
