My goal
I struggle with this type of addiction. This addiction has been very conflicting with my personal beliefs and values. My goal is that before girls' camp, I will not have to desire or need to masturbate or look at pornagraphy. Girls' camp is this summer in the Northern Hemisphere. I'm confident in myself, but I needed to write down my goal and get some others to check up on me. Thanks for the support. :)
@Mike1225 Hello there, and welcome to the community! I am proud that you are reaching for support; admitting your addiction is a brilliant first step in overcoming it. I know it may not seem like it, but you are so brave for opening up to us. If you ever need to talk with someone, feel free to reach out to the listeners here. We hope to hear from you, and best wishes!
Hey @Mike1225! I really like your motivation and how you are letting yourself truly be vulnerable by sharing here.
When I've set goals, I've found it to be the most helpful for me to achieve them by setting positive goals (or things that I will do versus things that I won't do).
I wondered if that might be useful to you too. I mean, like, instead of having a goal not to feel the desire to masturbate and look at porn, what about instead, "any time I feel the desire to masturbate and look at porn, I will do 30 seconds of relaxing breathing exercises followed by 20 jumping jacks."
I get so easily discouraged by all the things I don't want to do, but somehow keep end up doing. One of the things I learned is that I can't just stop something without putting something else in it's place. I won't just stop masturbating when I don't give myself permission to do something healthy instead.
Does that make sense?
Yes that does make sense
@bowserforpresident
@Mike1225 How's it going?
As I discovered 7cups, I've decided that any time I feel like going online to look at porn, instead I will come on here and either post my thoughts to ask for help, or reach out to those who have ever been lost and alone like I still sometimes feel.
I am attempting to repurpose what could easily be negative and destructive energy into something more of who I think I am.
So far one mess up a day ago. I'm actually struggling with an urge right now, since school got out and my family is away. I'm gonna clean my room right now, and try to listen to some upbeat music. It's felt like awhile, so my addiction is giving me an excuse that's its okay because of that feeling. I am however resisting the way Bowser was explaining to me, by doing something positive instead.Thanks for the support!
@Mike1225 You're awesome! Sorry to hear about the mess up, but I love how you keep picking yourself back up and giving it one more try.
Part of what I notice when I'm in that same sort of place is, I can't fight it. I've been fighting for so long and I've learned I'm a fighter! I don't give up! Yet with all my fighting, I keep losing. What's up with that?
The answer I found is that I needed to first accept honestly that I really wanted to act out. To masturbate or whatever it is. Once I accepted that, I could finally give it up. To surrender it by telling someone, "hey, I really wanna do this thing. But I'm choosing to tell you instead because I also want to surrender the right to do it." And then I can do something positive or useful with my time and with my energy.
It was super important for me to find a community, a support group, that I could trust to accept my surrender. Really, it's made all the difference in the world.
Another struggle today. And another fail. I've got to really think about what I want to accomplish. I want to be at least three weeks clean before camp, because it takes three weeks to make a habit. And I want to end this habit.
@Mike1225
Hey :). The way I understand addiction, basically the neural paths in my brain have been rewired. I've literally been teaching my brain what I want it to do when I feel stressed or anything. So the first thing it does, when I feel like I need something, is reach for what I've taught it to get when I feel overwhelmed, or whatever.
For me, it's more than forming a new habit, it's the process of reteaching my brain (or rebuilding those neural pathways) to reach for healthy coping mechanisms and skills.
I wanted to share this because I would have loved to been happy and skipping my way free of masturbation and pornography after 3 weeks. Looks like it's taking more time. What's worse, I get so easily discouraged at any little slip or relapse.
I just wanted you to know that it takes time.
Have you been calling out to others when you feel the crazy start to creep in? Or what are you doing?
Actually, I haven't told anyone during an urge. The only people I've told are my 2 very very close friends, my therapist, and my bishop. I am, however, open on 7cups because there aren't anyone I really know from here. I guess that's a step up...?
But I have a way around that. If I feel like acting out, I can ask my sister if she wants to do something with me, like crafts. That way she'll get me motivated to stay with her.
Anyway, some trigger times and places are: After school and family isn't home yet, in the bath tub, and in bed at night.
@Mike1225 It's absolutely a step up. There are so many conflicting feelings around this problem (some people think that porn and masturbation are just fine, it's a way of life, you're not hurting anyone, etc, etc) while others think it's something that you can just stop and not do it any more. It's crazy.
I have found that there are appropriate people with whom I can share these struggles, who understand what I am trying to accomplish (aka who share my values and support who I am trying to be), and those are to whom I turn to when I need to surrender the crazy that's going on inside of me.
It's awesome that you reach out to your sister to help look at different ways to spend your time. That alone time is killer, I know. It's the worst, really, because my head sees it as "play time" without worry or fear of getting caught. And bathing time, yes of course, since being undressed is already half-way there. That's pretty much exactly why I have to take a walk around before I put myself in that situation.
I don't know who you could find or tell, but for me, it's been one huge, key element that has made the difference from acting out again or continuing my path of recovery and sobriety.
@Mike1225 Oh yah, I hear this. How often have I wished I could blame anyone, just somebody, other than me for where I've brought myself (or really, for the choices I've been making).
I was just thinking of you, actually. We should probably talk more often.
My most unsafe moments are at night, as I'm going to bed (because even though I have no electronics in my room, and it's not only away from me but on a completely different floor, memory and fantasy start hitting my head and then I want to act out), or after I just wake up. It's my habit to shower first thing in the day and then go out into the world. But first, I'm alone, I'm kinda groggy, and it's been unsafe and my habit to use that time for selfish reasons. And I still don't have my electronics to use, yet memory is always with me, or just base desire.
Recently, I've found that it's ok if I go take a quick walk around the house. Not tromping around, waking others up, but just walk and breath to relax myself until I feel safe again, and then I can go and get ready for the day.
Have you identified when your worst moments are, and are you building a plan around those moments to help keep you safe?
One of the first things that a therapist worked with me when I could finally admit that I had an addiction and I wanted to do something about it, was what he called my STOP Mantra.
It's a mantra (some quick, meaningful phrase) that was aimed at getting me out of my head (in the desire, or down the destructive path to acting out again through masturbation and porn or all of the other ways to act out) and bring me back to a mindful state.
He wanted it so that at any time, whenever we met, he could ask out of the blue, "What is your STOP mantra?" and I would be able to answer, with no hesitation, because of how well I ingrained it and knew it, and respond with what it is.
It looks like this (and is used the same way).
First I say "STOP!" to halt myself from making an action I'll soon regret.
Second, I repeat my mantra: "I am a valuable person who makes good choices!" (it was really emphasized to have a positive statement as my mantra, and not a negative statement. Negative meaning: I DON'T do this, or I'm NOT like that, and so forth. Instead of something that isn't, he helped me choose something that I already am, or something I do).
Third, use one of 5 options for something else to help me truly surrender my feeling/desire to masturbate and turn away from it. Of the 5, he only said that he required ONE to be making a phone call to someone. An actual conversation. Top of the list. If, after a phone call, I still felt like acting out, then I could continue down my pre-chosen activities and repeat as needed.
This is what my full STOP mantra looks like:
STOP! I am a valuable person and I make good decisions!
1 - Make a phone call
2 - Sing a song that has meaning to me
3 - Take a walk; get away from the situation
4 - Listen to a meaningful message (for me, this often was a Conference talk that had really struck me, from Elder Holland or someone)
5 - Read
It's funny in a way, because without this mantra (and action items), I wasn't giving myself permission to succeed. I was sabotaging myself and underminding my ability to be free.
Thank you :)
P.S. I'm seriously so glad that I'm not alone. I'm LDS too.
@Mike1225 I had a feeling, when you said "girl's camp" and then a confirmation when you talked about going to your Bishop. Thought maybe I'd better share similar hints, because for me, I really did think I was truly alone and shamed and caught/trapped with no way out except to accept my fate and continue as best I could through life.
It didn't work, but I made the huge mistake of thinking that I had to go through it alone, that hI had to do it myself. While I have to take my own actions based on my choices, I don't ever have to do it alone.
I still struggle with it.
i am 18 and i get the feeling that it supose to be this way and i fell that only a real relationship will fix it and it causes low self esteem and confident which makes the whole thing pointless but you can also decrease the times you doing it so DON'T WORRY BE HAPPY.
@Painwithin47 I am sorry to hear that you're still struggling with it, yet I understand that so much.
Something you said really caught my eye, the whole "being in a relationship" thing. Yah, I'm sorry to report (based on my own experience and that from countless others to whom I've spoken), that doesn't solve the problem.
Most of us found that we were hoping something like that would save us. A grand rescue, fixing all our problems. But, just as before (only now MORE complicated because of the relationship), our problems kept right on coming with us.
Now is a great time to change your patterns in life. Please don't wait for that relationship. Even if your special someone knows of your struggles, every time you act out, it's a small (or huge, or something in between) stab to their heart. It's a wound. I never thought I was the type of person who would wound somebody like that, emotionally destroying the foundation of what they think the world is. Please don't do that to someone.
Get help. You're welcome to follow my path. I joined a 12-Step group as a program of recovery from my addiction.
Just...please...don't carry this with you one more moment than you have to.