Spouse no longer drinking, how to move forward when so much has changed
I’ve been with my husband for 23 years. He developed a drinking problem that got worse after he almost died from covid. It got to the point that I had to leave our home, with our kids, because he was verbally and emotionally abusive while drunk, and because I couldn’t just sit there and watch him kill himself. If he drinks, he WILL die. I don’t mean that in a dramatic way. Covid destroyed his body. If he continues to drink, it’s not a matter of if, or eventually, it’s an any day level of terror. My leaving was a wake up call. He is now getting help. I am not back in our home yet. He does not understand the impact of all that happened when he was actively drinking. I do understand that a great deal of the things he did and said were because of the drinking, the addiction, but they still happened. They still hurt. I don’t know how much to tell him. He doesn’t remember so much of it, and I don’t want him feeling even worse, yet he needs to understand why I am making the decisions I am making and why I need time to rebuild trust. He lashes out at me, doesn’t believe me when I say I do intend to return home, and I get why. He genuinely doesn’t remember all of it. He also has memory issues from covid, and it’s like constantly walking a tightrope trying to do what’s best for him and his recovery, while keeping my own sanity and sticking to my boundaries. The load on me has been too much. He was drinking before he got sick, but after he got sick, and nearly died, having him get blackout drunk and turn into this person I don’t know, while I make sure he sees his seven specialists and take care of our kids and home and manage the financial fallout from everything… And we are both different people now. I don’t think anyone could go through all we have and not be changed by it. I understand things will take time. I just don’t know right now how to get to a point where I don’t feel the need to walk on eggshells as far as his recovery and his health. I miss my partner. I miss having his support through things. I used to go to him first about everything, and now, with this, I feel like I can’t. I don’t want to have to say that he would scream at me for hours straight while he was drunk. That’s not who he is sober. I don’t want to have to say I left because of his actions. Addiction is a beast, and he truly is trying. I just can’t snap my fingers and go back to normal when normal doesn’t and can’t exist anymore. We have to find a new normal, and I’m lost. And so burned out. And a few months of him getting help just isn’t enough for me to be able to relax. I also have been having health issues, and the stress of that isn’t helping anything. I’m trying to get him well, get myself well, be a mom, be a good friend, and I feel like I’m failing at every last bit of it. It’s lonely. It’s heavy. And I’m exhausted.
You are an amazing person. What you have been through sounds impossible to handle, and you have done it. Your kids are so lucky to have you. I admire that you want to continue to partner with your husband. Maybe some couples therapy is in order, but before that I hope you can take some time for yourself at a spa or something just to unwind. I know the feeling of eggshells - even when you think you're relaxed, you are not! What you have made it through is exhausting on every level, sounds like you need a break.
I wish you the very best, and I'm glad that the crucible has cooled at least a little for you.
Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it. So many people don’t understand why I didn’t and don’t just walk away. Addiction runs in my family as well, and I knew even as a kid that it’s not a simple thing. I know to set boundaries. I just didn’t know how hard it would be having my partner be the addict. I really needed to get that all out today. Thank you for reading it all.
@LilyOfTheValley1936 Sorry you've had to develop the expertise, but very glad you have it! Thank you for sharing with me.
I’m a recovering alcoholic and iv been sober for 2 years now and I get exactly what ur saying my wife was about to leave before I saw the light and realised I had to change for our family .
if he truly wants to help himself and be present to be with u he will do what ever it takes to get u back weather that means counselling, it’s been a rollercoaster of emotions for me and iv had to distance myself from most of my friends.
my wife has been my rock and who I could turn to in my difficult times, it sounds like uv been really through it though and I hope ur fella has seen the light and wants to help himself,
me and my wife still 2 years down the line are trying to find our new normal it’s really hard as I want more emotional connection but after all the years of me drinking and being distant she finds it hard but we’re both working on it as we both feel it’s worth fighting for.
I hope this helps in any way shape or form but ur not alone x
Thank you, it is really nice to hear from the other side of things. I know it can’t be easy to go through recovery with a partner that’s holding back and unable to trust. Sometimes I feel like it makes it harder than it would be for someone that was single. It is so much more to carry and work on. But we are trying. We are working on it. I’m so glad that you understand how it is difficult on both sides. It is like starting over in a way, but this time both sides go in knowing how rough it can be, (I don’t just mean that one sided, I know that I wasn’t my best self in any shape or form during all of this,) and we make the choice to fight for the good times and life we once planned together.
Congratulations on two years sober! And thank you, again. It does feel pretty lonely sometimes, but hearing how other couples have been through this, and that they are making it work, helps.
