Alcoholic Spouse
I have been with my husband for 20 years. He is an alcoholic. He drinks alone in his room every night and goes to bed alone. We have 3 teenage kids together. He doesn’t eat with us and rarely talks to anyone other than a few words in the evenings. During the morning and afternoon before he starts drinking he is almost a different person. He works 24 hour shifts and is home for 48 hours. On the days he is away everyone feels relief. He is not open to help, he says he doesn’t care that he is an alcoholic and he is not stopping. This is the worst is has ever been. He gets so angry with me when he is drinking for no reason, like it’d we have ran out of milk. He tells me he hates me, calls me names. We don’t even sleep in the same bed anymore, this has been the last 6 months. I keep thinking he will see what he is throwing away and make a change but it doesn’t seem like it. 2 days ago I called his sister for help with getting him to understand he needs help. He is furious I called her and will not speak to her now. He has not been home since then. I don’t know what to do. Everyone outside of our home in our small town thinks he is the nicest person, no one would ever believe this is how our family is and what we live with. I feel like I need to divorce him but I still love him and hope for a change. He tells me he no longer loves me. I may be in denial. Can anyone offer any support
@Amazingrace14
Sorry to hear that your husband's way of life is imposing upon your relationship. I commend you for your tolerance and interest in a solution.
Reaching out to his sister or anyone you feel is a safe person to talk with is alright. Remember, you are doing it to support your health. Since your husband's response is to leave the house, it shows that he isn't ready to acknowledge his drinking and how it affects you, your family, including his sister, and how it affects his life too.
Also, it is understandable that he can appear friendly with many in the community. It is the flip side to his drinking. Most people who drink regularly/excessively, like your husband, are not aware of how to change because it has been part of a lifestyle for a while. But, of course, change is possible, and it is a matter of readiness.
Once your husband is ready to change, it is likely to happen, and you can be there for him to support the new direction. But, in the interim, your self-care is primary.
Here are some ways you can care for yourself:
✔ care for your physical health by eating healthy foods and possibly supplements that absorb stress in the body
✔ find a group that can be an enjoyable outlet, such as a gardening group or support group of alcohol-free and drug-free people (there are many online groups, including spouse support and general support, such as Support Circle at 7Cups!)
✔ consider the health of your family, aside from your husband, to explore conscious boundaries by reading about ways to make healthy choices for yourself and your family
Many options are available to you, and the more you explore, it increases the more possibilities for change.
Remember, we cannot change another person. A person must be ready, and then we can support them along their journey in life. A wise attorney once stated, "we cannot change the world or people in the world. We can only change ourselves. So, be the change that you seek!" 😊
I hope this is helpful for you!
MindRoots
@MindRoots. Thank you for your advise. I just feel so helpless and I wish he would call and say he is sorry and wants to change. The kids do not even want him to come back home. I’m just having a hard time and feel lonely. I keep reminding myself that even if he was here, he wouldn’t be spending time with us.
@Amazingrace14
You make a good point. If he is not ready to change, then there isn't much you can do about his choices. As you mentioned, the kids do not want him home, which is a sign it is affecting their growth and development.
Is the glass half-full or half-empty?
Without your husband around, it could be an opportunity to reach out and find some supports for yourself and your family. For example, learning about the effects a drinker can have on a family.
Taking Care of Yourself
Don’t forget to take care of your own needs while you’re helping the alcoholic. Support groups are available for family members of alcoholics, such as:
- Co-Dependents Anonymous: 7 This group focuses on correcting maladaptive patterns in family systems and creating positive, healthy relationships.
- Al-Anon Family Groups: 8 This is a support group for friends and family members of problem drinkers. Members can share their personal stories about addiction and how it has affected them.
- SMART Recovery Family and Friends: 13 This science-based alternative to fellowship programs provides you with the resources you need to help a loved one.
- Family therapy: In family therapy, a therapist will help to strengthen relationships within the family by improving communication and resolving conflicts.
Other strategies, such as meditation or yoga, can help you to relax and deal with any anxieties related to your family member’s alcoholism.
Whatever you choose, make sure you take time to do something you enjoy or to relax.
[Excerpt from: https://www.recovery.org/alcohol-addiction/family-member/]
MindRoots
Hi, I am back to discuss what is going on now and ask for suggestions. My husband is adamant that he is not an alcoholic and does not need help. However he has told me that he is miserable with everything in his life, including his family and job. He works as a firefighter (for 20+ years). He states he just wants to leave everything. We have 3 kids. He is adamant he will not go to therapy or take any medicine for depression. He states he just wants to leave and never come back. When I tried to talk with him he said that he is not suicidal and got irritated with me for asking that and told me to just leave him alone. What do I do now?