One Week Sober

It's been seven days since I've had a drink. I honestly hoped it would be easier by now but not yet. The cravings are still there. The urges are still pretty strong. Sleep is still a struggle. Eating is kind of hit-or-miss. And I still haven't found the motivation to get back to the gym yet.

My interpersonal skills are nowhere close to what they should be. I'm still avoiding people as much as possible. My limited patience and tolerance makes me too irritable and confrontational to be around others right now. I can't seem to find joy, comfort, or peace in anything. I'm just plain miserable.

Historically I've always handled feelings and memories that I don't like in one of two ways: I either drink or I shut down emotionally and go numb. Apathy and Anhedonia are truly horrible things for both the person experiencing them and everyone they're involved with. When you can't find joy in anything and you lose your sense of empathy and compassion then you don't feel like you're in a black hole, you feel like you ARE the black hole. Your mind knows better but it can't seem to convince your heart,

After quite a season of uncertainty and emptiness I believe that last night God revealed to me why he's keeping me around. Since I was 16 years old I've been trained and conditioned to help others. I've performed this service as an Emergency Medical Technician (EMT-D) with a volunteer ambulance and through charitable endeavors organized by the church. I'd like to believe that the reason God keeps waking me up in the morning is that He knows I'm not done with my chores here and that I'm still supposed to be helping others, but maybe not just yet,

Last night I found myself looking at other peoples posts and offering critical examinations and advice, which is what made me realize that I'm still here to try to help others in their darkest hours. However I also recognize that maybe I should be getting myself better first. Right now everything is very black-or-white, very pragmatic, and very cold. Looking over what I offered to others last night I believe that while what I offered was technically accurate it was also lacking in compassion, very matter-of-fact, and maybe a little too stoic. Some people benefit from bold and blunt advice but most would draw more inspiration from suggestions that have a deeper appreciation for the emotions that they're dealing with at the time. So maybe it's what I'm meant to do, but just not yet. Maybe one week of sobriety is just a bit too soon.

I pray that you all find peace, courage, strength, and comfort this day.