Idk if I should post here or OCD or ADHD but I shop too much!

I’m serious I just got diagnosed with ADHD and ocd and I was misdiagnosed bipolar for 20 years!!! My daughter’s lifetime. It’s insane that half a dozen people have agreed with a diagnosis that they never bothered to verify even after a TBI made the adhd and ocd much worse.

Guus shopping thing is a whole new level for me. I’ve been addicted to pain meds and have been struggling with meth for about 4 years now and I’m struggling currently, not quite sober not really using often. I’m self medicating my ADHD medication gets filled and my brain has gone on strike with the common sense that I need to be able to buy the meds so shy am I buying another tshirt… sticker pack for my business… thing for the house… clothes for my guts…. Whatever it is I’ll buy it. I’ll be dead sober for months and spend $$50 on diamond paintings (Temu is evil…. All hail Temu!) and other *** stuff, cool stuff but stuff I don’t need to buy. I panic shop. I compulsively shop. I impulsively shop. I can’t stop. I can’t delete Temu because I still have orders being shipped. I can’t just turn it over to a friend or my boyfriend to track for me until the everything I ordered is here and checks out because it’s tied to my commonly used email, if I remove the payment I know I’ll just add it again or if I change the card or whatever.

I’m broke and I’m not even lying I don’t know how I can do this to myself month after month. It’s like anything I have great days and terrible days. Sleep deprivation affects everything and it makes me shop more. I shop in a halfway out of my mind haze and sometimes don’t remember doing it until I see the orders. I try to cancel what I can but sometimes it’s something that I manage to justify to myself that in that moment makes perfect sense of course I need that. Saturday I had had about 6 hours of sleep in 2 days. I had spent the night at a friend’s house and didn’t sleep Friday night until 2am and was woken up at 5am. I had a 75 mile drive home in heavy traffic. It took me an extra hour to get home. I bought myself some really cute comfy looking flip flops and that makes sense I don’t have any sandals or flip flops or anything but Vans and Docs. Ok. They were under $20, good deal. My favorite colors black and purple, fantastic. No problem. Cleared it with my boyfriend. Then I saw some nice leather loafers and they were men’s but happily had my size so I bought them. Holy cats! What in every gods name was that about? I love my slip on shoes but men’s leather driving shoes? Well they shipped already before I could cancel them so we’ll see how they do. I can’t explain why or justify that $30 and I haven’t exactly told the boyfriend yet about them. I’m just desperate to get off this roller coaster of emotions and chemicals that are driving me into the poorhouse. I even resell most of what I buy and I can’t stop. Even with sales slipping I can’t stop.

I am at my wits end. I started weaning off the bipolar meds but that includes my benzodiazepine and I am scared. My anxiety is through the roof and this is threatening my ability to deal with regular life because now when I get everything delivered I go through the stages of shoppers remorse like you’ve never seen. I feel guilty, I try and deny that I received the items and hide them from myself and my boyfriend but they’re all in my desk. Or they’re more enamel pins to hide with my collection of probably 1000 pins already. Ugh. I feel sick, I bargain with the gods and goddesses that I was dreaming and then I pray that my boyfriend doesn’t see how 6 orders get shipped in 1 huge package and yeah. It’s miserable.

Thanks for reading this whole thing if you made it this far. I really appreciate you. I am triggered right now to go check it and play the stupid win stuff games.

ugh