Finally admitting love and sex addiction
Hi, I’m 53/m, struggling with love and sex since I was a kid. I just read a great book- No More Mr Nice Guy, that confirms and really spelled out how neglect and abandonment has had me seeking love and sex all my life. I became a people and woman pleaser to try to get what I needed, denying myself of everything. Cost me several failed relationships and my current one is struggling. I just realized all this this week, so still sorting through thoughts and feelings.
My partner has been angry with me. I’m finally learning to not care about what she thinks about me. I’m not chasing love or sex from her anymore. I’m starting to do things I want to do like go work out and visit friends. She’s starting to ask, she thought I was giving up and wanted to break up. I said no I don’t. She gave me attitude about my casual *** attitude, and I said if you’re going to be angry and not talk to me, I don’t want to go to the family party with her. In the past, I’ve gotten angry and left. We went to the party and were pleasant to each other.
I know what to do to avoid the wrong things I did before, but probably need support and accountability. I had been studying how to overcome these things for years, but never understood the root of my problems. It’s very eye opening.
I do feel encouraged and excited to understand what happened fully now. I feel like Neo from the Matrix, I just got unplugged from the false reality I created, and learning my power.
I’m going to try a sex anonymous group on Monday, see how it goes. Part of my disorder is fear of connecting with other men.
My partner and I talked about all this on Saturday. She was still a little angry, but seem to understand. When I thought she was angry at me, it felt easier to be confident in myself, I don’t care what she thinks, it only matters what I think about myself. We had a good day together to visit my family yesterday. Today, I feel unsure about myself, but maybe that’s just Monday morning lol. A little scared to go to the 12 step group tonight, but I’ll go.
I decided I’m not going to pursue sex from her for a time. I haven’t mentioned this yet, it’s been about two weeks since we have. I’m usually the one that does the pursuing, but she’s been mad at me so that’s mostly why we haven’t. Should I tell her this plan?
I went to 12 step on Monday, it was a small group but I felt ok about it. I talked to my partner about it. She said she was proud of me.
I was feeling pretty good for a few days, then got discouraged yesterday. Dealing with a frustrating problem with taxes. She could sense my mood but instead of asking me, started doing sh*t testing. Mad at me about stupid little things. I’ve been pretty cool about her attitude when she’s like that, but I lost it. If she’s going to attack me, I’m attacking back. All over text. She attacked my commitment to the 12 step, but it’s only been a few days. Not supportive at all and threw up cheating and hitting her again.
I don’t get a chance to heal or better myself and also deal with her shift and insecurities. It’s too much.
I know better how to be confident and in control when we’re fighting. Maybe because that’s happened so often. I should probably try to master being that way at all times, right 😄
I’m just gonna keep posting my thoughts here, comments are welcome.
did some meditation last night, I could see a picture of myself being happy and free from all the addiction and hangups. I could only see it on a screen, like a commercial. It scared me, how could I leave my armor behind? I worry she can’t or won’t change. Logic says if I fix me for me, everything should fall into place. That means she might be better in response to me, or she might not, but either way I would be ok and happy
I can see that lust is a battle. It was fighting back this week. I saw in my meditation that lust is just desire for what I don’t have. I can love myself and be happy, I can love my family and friends and be happy. If my partner chooses to love me without conditions, that would be fulfilling.
buddhists say that root of suffering is desire. I’m getting it now. Love god and yourself and want for nothing else. But everything else is bonus when you have it.