Ever addicted to someone?

Call me hoodgirl, I'm 16 I was the girl who was denied love and proper care from my younger age hence I cared about my friendships too much, when it all end up hurts,I found my self pleasing to them I couldn't move on for almost 2years ans when I finally did someone came to my life.... Last year her name... I can't say! She's a topper and I am a backbencher which scores medium marks I haven't noticed her I never did until it's the lockdown she messaged me first, it was her duty to arrange prayer group for online class, she asked me to do pledge nd I agreed but suddenly she said it's okay, she got someone else , I replied ''okay'' days passed I have a hobby to put sad, depressing status on whtsapp.. And also about zodiac signs , one day I put a status of zodiacs and she replied she does reply earlier but I never cared but this time I payed attention she said about her zodiac and I told her tht her zodiac and mine are very close... Nd then one day she put a story, which was "ask me any one question" There are many numbers and many questions I replied no 11 the question is "when was the last time u ever cried " She replied "today" And I asked her why! She replied it's nothing , she'll cry to many times thinking about studies etc nd she asked me the same question I replied "right now" With tears rolling down through my cheeks to the floor 🙃 I was crying the whole time because of my bestie ,i felt like she was avoiding me I was an overthinker and was insecure about almost everything in my life she asked why then i send her a voice message our chat continued for the first time in my life I never felt this much releif, I finally felt what it is like when the tears are rolling down but you are messaging to someone, our frndship grew somhow I was toxic to her, but I never knew! For me I was overthinking but for her she may felt like I am controlling her and i was treating her like a therapist but for me it's different I thought tht I am sharing about my days sad day happy day, sad news, happy news... But she was overwhelmed and never let me knew, I always csred for her I never meant to hurt her , I mean no harm but guess I ended up hurting her! And myself! , she's someone who doesn't open up about feeling but I opened up about how i feel about frbdships in past I told her many times I want u to be my best frnd till the end, when I cried she was there, when I was at my worst yet she was there but never knew tht she doesn't like me that much and it finnaly hurts when i knew one day when I felt like she's totally ignoring me I asked her nd somehow she felt like I am cross questioning her and she blocked me.... I waited nd waited for days for her to unblock me I begged her! I called her I cried... I was the person who loves to hide tears but not from her! I never hided my true self from her... When she said that we can never be best frnds it broke my heart just how I broekd my phone next day I paid a visit to her house and jt was heartbreaking many things happened! She cried but I didn't! I hold it up nd when I was about to leave she hugged me and said sorry, I really was a fool to think that she said sorry is to fix everything.... I never knew it was goodbye ... After so many days on aug 8 when me and mom were going through that way we paid a visit and that's when I knew the truth , she didn't said it, her parents did to my mother, I can still hear their voices in my head, I am someone who cuts myself like a price of paper! When my mom finds out , when her father told her she asked me with a confused sad voice ''did u ever cut ur hand?'' I couldn't look at her or anyone but I never lie so I mm to my mother! We left! From there after that I hated her but it's just a lie I cannot hate her but I wish tht it was her who should be telling me that I was toxic! It's almost 8/9 months but yet I'm in pain.... I was obsessed over this frndship! And I shall never have frnds...she messed it up for everybody... But I didn't give up I hoped that there'll be someone who can make me feel better but no one never made me felt like she did!, I hope that she's happy...! I don't know why am I getting addicted to everyone which I talk to about myself deeply I really wanna stop doing this and I found a way! Being cold! I turned my emotions off but sometimes I am struggling I could not turn em back on...! These days I've been having these dreams! Once was true but now it's just a nightmare!

Thank you,

- (Hoodgirl)ALKA