venting/struggling

This is a safe space and thanks for sharing what's on your heart, @bloodbones - I hope you find the answers you seek. There are many on this site who are here to support you on that journey. Take care.

I've been addicted to drugs like legal highs before been in care all my life then left at 18 I drank, stole , took drugs did this for years and worked for years on and off I got PTSD from care never knew my mom , she's been missing for 20 plus years my dad was in the back ground. Use to hate myself and never valued myself did to my dad's attitude towards me. Just over come gambling addiction and now have a stable home and job only took 7 years to get over all the negative stuff. I use to be unmotivated person now I'm the opposite one thing I learnt it's when you find something to fight for use it , I use to be lost then I gave myself purpose you just find what's right for yourself and use what you want as goals to guide you ie health eat better daily ,exercise 3 times a week then 3 months of doing a goal you feel like your working on something and you won't feel lost and by the way fitness save me from my mental health it gave me purpose and I've built around it. It gives me engry and the self confidence I never had before I trained I had low self-esteem

Also I use this as a guide when I get lost

1. Get a blank piece of paper

2. Put me in the middle and circle a bubble around it

3. lines from me to things in your life so one bubble put people in it , home , meth basically everything that's around you in your life

4.think about the things around so if it's meth is it a good or negative thing and where will it lead you down your life

Negative

points drug addiction

Cost of drugs

Impact on your body etc

Good

Engry bursts

Makes you feel good

Blocks out the PTSD

How to overcome addiction

1.Remove people who are associated with meth (delete all ties)

2.Isolate when withdrawaling (you going to go though night mare) anything worth doing is hard at Frist them becomes easy as your get use to it

3.replace it with a positive things or running painting something your enjoy

Make sure you think it though and plan it from quitting to overcoming it

I wrote this while I was high, just thought I’d share

I’m sick of waiting for the next hour, the next hit, searching desperately for a high I'll never get. I am consumed by the essence of another life form, more darker and wider than me. The extend of this void is so grotesque it’s swallowing me whole. I promise I’ll stay sober, still counting my cash on the counter while I’m rolling a joint. I slumber into this vantablack whole of torments and hardships that I cannot face in this mindset. It is overwhelming me, it’s tight grip holding my throat, filling up my lungs with a ‘want more, you know you do’. For all i care, i could be going completely mental. Or maybe not. Maybe I am just as sane as everyone else, I just need medicine to help me get to a stage of calm.

The calm is the hardest part. It’s the part where I forget everything. My words, my sentences, how to speak, how to act. I stumble and fall but it’s okay because I am in another realm. I can see through such a Matrix. Though, only when I’m like a kite. Right now, I can hear the little mumbles in my head but it’s easy to avoid, you know, skip the lines. Skip this terrible whole I've filled my head with. I need some cash. And soon. I can get 20 but I have to find a way to get to 50. Maybe my refill for next month? That’s way too early though. I hate myself, why do I do this ? Yes.