Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in: Tuesday, October 8th 2019

Hey everyone Happy Tuesday/October/Halloween month! Wow thats a mouthful, and I cant believe its already time to say that! By the way if youre wondering why the font is so weird its just because Im trying to decorate the check-ins Im in charge of for Halloween! Dont worry everything will go back to normal in November. Anyways since I havent worked in this specific sub-community for about 2 years most of you probably dont know me so please allow me to introduce myself 🎃... Hi guys Im Arianna Im a teen listener from the Domestic Abuse Team, and Im also from the Safety & Knowledge Sub-Community where I co-host safety discussions! Im here to provide you guys with true stories from real domestic abuse survivors as part of your Tuesday check-in! Today we will be reading Shanas story however just know its a tad bit longer than most so if you dont wanna stick around this week thats totally fine however so you can still participate in the check-in I will be asking the main check-in question first!

How are you doing today overall?

Great now that we got that out of the way onto the story portion of today!

Quick Little Disclaimer: While both @MonBon & I both tried our best to edit all possible triggers out keep in mind these stories do come from real survivors of domestic abuse so if you feel like you may get triggered from this type of content please answer the above question, then click off here for your own mental health.

Out of respect for the survivor who so courageously shared her story, and so you can easily read font will temporarily turn to normal for her story.

This is something that you just dont hear enough about. Survivors speak and they go from their abuse to what they are currently doing, not describing enough of the true gut-wrenching feelings that you have in the days weeks or months after you leave. Life after abuse is so positive, but truth be told, sometimes you feel like its harder than the abuse. There are many great programs that will help you with the transition from where you have been to where you will be. The Victim Compensation Fund is a great program that will help with Mental Health Therapy, relocation and many other things, plus some cities have at least one shelter to turn to. There are many options for assistance; you just need to safely find them.

After almost 8 years since the abuse, I still deal with my after. There are still days that I apologize incessantly, cry at the drop of a hat, feel totally worthless and take the weight of the world on my shoulders. I still dont let people see beyond the mask of total happiness — if you met me, you would never know the past that I am hiding. This is the truth about life after abuse. I married my Prince Charming at 19 after a year of dating. We were married about 15 months before he became physically abusive. I became withdrawn from my family and long-term friends out of fear they would find out. I left after 3 years of marriage following a huge fight.

I had no money except for an ATM card that I was just sure he would cancel quickly, no place to go and no clothes. I left with a bag that had no makeup, hair brush or deodorant – only a toothbrush and a change of clothes. I didnt really know anyone to call, besides I really didnt want anyone to know. So I drove to the only hotel in town. The hotel was booked! How in the world could a Days Inn in a town of 30,000 people, mostly farm laborers, be BOOKED?! NO WAY was my thought. I begged and pleaded for a room with no luck. I couldnt go to a shelter for fear I would lose my job if they found out, so I slept in my car that night. Ok, lets be honest, I didnt sleep. I waited for him to find me – and then went into work the next day and acted as if everything was normal. My husband worked 30 minutes from our house so I knew that I could, safely, go home at lunch without him there to get something for the next day. I didnt go home the day after I left because I didnt know if he would expect that and be there. I knew what the consequence would be for leaving.

I met someone at my gym who let me sleep on the couch until I got on my feet. For three months I hid. For three months, my abuser came to my work to ‘take care of me, bringing me little things like protein shakes, soup and money, all to entice me back into my old life. I was so secretive about my separation that people I worked with thought we were still happily married until after my divorce was final. Even through it all I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to make everything ok. I knew that I couldnt go back but that didnt mean that I wanted anything negative to happen to him or me. I just wanted to move on; I wanted a healthy life and chance to be more than just So & Sos wife – I wanted to be Shana.

Most victims would say that you become the queen of appearance. You know how to smile regardless of what just happened and act like everything is fine. The months after I left were horribly hard. I thought it would never get better. I thought I would never be able to support myself, be able to pay my own bills and be a successful adult without him. I often thought about going back because that would have been so much easier, at least in that arena I knew what to expect.

I couldnt handle most loud noises. A slamming cupboard in the next apartment would make me jump and TV shows with violence would give me horrible nightmares (I still dont do well with them). I was sick to my stomach constantly worried that my work or my family would find out my secret. I didnt sleep very well; always worried that he would come to get me. There were days that I would cry – just sob – because I felt like I failed. I was getting divorced at 23 years old. I couldnt handle the reality in my mind as a complete failure. To this day I feel like that sometimes.

I moved to a new location in 2003, and it was my big chance for a future. I got a job with a temporary agency, making barely enough money to pay my bills, but everything was MINE. The best part was that HE didnt know where I lived. Until the day he called and begged to get back together, he had changed.

We had been apart for 18 months so I wanted to believe him. I made the mistake of allowing HIM to come down and spend a weekend to talk and see if there was anything left of the relationship and to see if he had changed. How perfect! I could be with him and have no violence and then I hadnt really failed at marriage, right? After spending time with him, I realized he hadnt changed. He was still the same person. I asked him to leave and he did. Over the past several years he has emailed me and contacted me on MySpace and Facebook. Ive come to realize he will never stop trying to reach me.

After a while, I started working on myself, realizing that my unhappiness was not good for me. I deserved to be happy. What I went through with him was not a reflection of who I am or what I am worth. I started writing again and encourage others to write about their day and feelings and then reflect on what you have written.

I began to feel like my old self again. I started looking at dating again and I even stopped drinking occasionally. I didnt feel the need to be numb any more. In 2006, I had the amazing opportunity to become a mother through adoption. Every moment of my life became about this little girl. I knew that everything had to change but I never realized that I had pushed my past so far back in my mind. I didnt realize how much changing my life would require me to deal with things. I have been the mother to my beautiful daughter for 3 years and 5 months. Two and a half years ago I married an amazing man, a man that would never raise his hand to me. To this day, I dont like scarves around my neck, or really anything touching the front of my neck. I apologize for everything, my fault or not. I worry that my daughter will follow in my footsteps, just as I followed in my mothers. I worry that no matter how many times I say I am a SURVIVOR of domestic violence that I will have nightmares for the rest of my life.

Surviving domestic violence is one day at a time. I believe that forgiveness is important in moving on but not forgetting because this made you a stronger person. You lived through something that most people couldnt. I dont like people to pity me or apologize for what HE did to me. I want people to see me as a strong woman, a mother and a wife – a woman that survived and is thriving. A woman with a mission to help educate others on domestic violence.

Are you supposed to be terrified to leave? YES. Are you supposed to think about him afterwards? YES. Are you supposed to be able to move on and have a happy and healthy relationship? YES. There is no one way to deal with the after trauma of domestic violence but know you can do it. There are so many people here to help, so many organizations that want you to succeed!

You can do it. Each person deals with this in their own way, none of them are any better – only different.

Now to finish up this check-in I have a couple of questions for you guys...

#1. What was your favorite part of this story?

And #2. How do you feel after reading this story?

Thank you so much everyone for reading this story, participating in this check-in, and taking a chance on me! I will hopefully see you guys next week!!!

- AriannaPink

P.S. If you would like to see the full/unedited version of todays story click here just please do it at your own discretion because you will see the whole version which may trigger some.

Hi again its me Arianna! For a bonus treat in spirit of Halloween coming up heres a cute GIF I wanted to share with you guys!

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