one day at a time. (April 2023 Reflection)

Hello there! You can call me Oak.

I’d like to journal here my recovery journey so far during the last few weeks of April. You can check out my first thread that took place between March and first few weeks of April by clicking/tapping here!

As usual, it’ll be quite a long read, so please bear with me if you’re interested in reading my journal thread! Thank you very much.

❁ compassionateOak202 (◕‿◕✿)

So in my last monthly reflection, I’ve explained how I ended up in recovery until now, and the mistake I did that resulted in a traumatic experience and grief of my friendship loss. The reason it became traumatic was because even until now, I cannot seem to function into my old routine after my crisis. As of this writing, I still cannot bring myself to draw on my iPad, nor play the games that I used to enjoy playing, because of how my former best friend cut me off from everywhere we’ve been together on. I was a freelance artist as well as a small streamer. But since early March, everything came to a full stop after reaching out to Crisis Lifeline.

Anyway, from where I left off in my last thread, I was already adjusted to my new routine that prioritizes taking care of my mental health. I’ve been attending my 12-step recovery program meeting every evening, and most of the time each day I like to participate in mindfulness discussions here weekly as well as the sharing circle here in 7cups. Honestly, being here has made me feel a lot less lonely for the past month. So, as I’ve mentioned before somewhere throughout the forums, I’m truly grateful to be back here and giving this platform another chance. This platform has been my haven during my recovery journey.

So, while I was continuing this routine everyday as a way to keep myself in check with the help of support groups, self-care apps and prayer journaling, something came across my mind which led to this thread (clickable).

To briefly explain, I realized that I wanted to make amends to my former friend for the wrongdoing I did when I was in crisis last month (March). This was around the second week of April, and it’s a good thing I’ve talked about it with my partner and my listener too before acting on it, because it was clouding my mind for awhile and I couldn’t seem to distract myself away from it. I felt like it was something that I must do, but I felt quite better when I let it all out to them. At that time, I knew I wasn’t ready.

So, I was holding it off for a while until around the third week of April. One of those days, I was experiencing another setback and felt depressed again, then later I found the courage to start writing a letter (as suggested by my partner) to make amends to my former friend for the first time. I also conveyed my feelings regarding their actions in response to my crisis that day.

My only intention in the letter was to make amends, not seek a renewal of their friendship. I honestly felt it was unfair that they left without saying anything. So, in order to not give them any more opportunities to hurt me further, I plan to email my letter to them via anonymous emailer. At least this way, I won’t have to be anxious or stressed to know that they might reply or block my personal email. That’s my plan so far. As of this writing, I haven’t sent the letter yet. But every time I checked on it for revisions or add-ons, I can sense the heavy feelings I’ve poured onto that letter. Not only I’m willing to make amends to them, but I’m also saying goodbye.

This part of my journey has yet to be continued…

I’ve also shared previously that my mother agreed to help me seek out an online therapist this year. Apparently, that’s on hold for now, as I’ve recently found an idea to check out at a local psychological center in my home country that I can visit in person. I figured it would be a better opportunity to find help in person since I’m already visiting my home country this June. My mother became supportive of that, which made me feel better, so I’ve planned to get a psych evaluation there so that I know what actual steps I need to take to help with my recovery.

During the last week of April, I’ve sent an email to them for inquiry. 2 days later, I’ve sent another email because I felt a bit impatient and also anxious. But then a day after, my partner chatted me that he received their phone call earlier in his morning. I gave my partner’s phone number in the email since he agreed to speak on my behalf over there to make the communication easier. According to him, they’ll send me an evaluation form first to get a better understanding of my situation, then once I visit the psych center in person, they’ll be able to give me a session. I was very glad that they finally responded, and according to my partner, the person he talked to on the phone seemed like a nice person.

But knowing all of this now has honestly made me more anxious because this is my first time seeking professional help. I never had any professional help with my mental health before, so I really hope this works out well for me once I visit there. So the day after, I received the forms via email, so I’m going to start filling them out as soon as possible.

Anyway, I shouldn't worry too much about that now. I still have about a month left before my trip. It’s been 4 years since I’ve last seen my partner in person, as well as my father and sister, and even my other family members that I’ve been acquainted with. I’m also planning to meet up with another best friend of mine, who I haven’t opened to yet about my crisis and everything since then. I thought it’d be better to tell her in person once I get to see her.

I guess that’s all I have for this month... Oh wait!

I also tried out hosting in the Sharing Circle for the first time! I spent at least a week prior participating in the sharing circle and listening to other people’s stories. I've also have been sharing my experiences there as well. I've got to meet so many lovely people there! So I felt inspired to host a meeting if ever there was a chance. However, I chose a bad time to drink coffee on that day because my mind was racing a lot of feelings the moment I volunteered to host and I felt a bit jittery during the whole session 😂. But it all went well! I still felt good trying out something new!

Anyway, as I continue to reflect on this month, I’ve been wondering what I should be doing throughout May, besides continuing to attend my support groups and use my other recovery tools. I don’t want to focus on seeking out opportunities regarding work or courses yet since the trip’s been set on schedule. And it continues to have me filled with both nervousness and excitement as the departure date keeps drawing near. So, I want to deal with that trip first. In the meantime, I so far know that I'll mostly be using the time to continue focusing on my mental health first and other important errands I might have to tend to.

I’m just glad I was able to make new friends here in 7cups. I've also received so many supportive and kind words from many people as I continued to share my experiences here in the forums and in the group chats. But most importantly, I'm happy that this place makes me fully realize that I'm not alone.

For the past few weeks, regarding how my recovery has affected my life so far, I’ve actually felt calmer when taking care of my mother as well as doing other chores around the house. My sleeping schedule still needs improvement though, since there are days where I did not sleep the whole night or sleeping longer than usual. I’ve also been eating regularly which is good. And I’ve been watching movies I never got to watch thanks to some free streaming apps that are available. But I also got to re-watch some good ones that help resonate with what I’m going through.

However, there are still days where I started to overthink again or replay some of the terrible memories from my crisis. But coming onto the support groups and mindfulness discussions really helped relieve me from this pain every day for a certain amount of time. If I miss out one day, those negative thoughts and trauma might just start coming back. So, I feel like I’m just keeping them at bay. Hopefully I'll be able to fully overcome it in the future. Could be soon or far from now. We'll see.

Anyway, I’m also starting to think of newer goals than the old ones I had. Or maybe I'm just revamping them. I guess I felt like I needed a change for once. At least just for myself.

If you made this far in reading my journal thread, I want to thank you for taking the time to read my experience and my progress of my recovery journey.

For this month of April, I’m grateful for my faith in God, my partner, my family, my friends that I still have, online friends, new friends, my selfcare apps, support groups, living through everyday for a whole month, and most of all, being here with you all here in 7cups! (❁´◡`❁)

(Just realized it’s been a month since I’ve returned here. Yay!)

To conclude this journal thread, I’ve listed down all the following threads that I’ve made within this month of April that is related to my recovery journey!

(April 04) I almost attempted again.

(April 10) Mar-Apr 2023 Reflection

(April 14) Willing To Make Amends (My Friendship Breakup Pt. 2)

(April 17) Bird Alone

I also am continuously updating my One Line A Day thread!

Thank you so much again for reading! See you in my next entry. ~ Oak

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ ~ woooossshh