Module 4. Interpersonal Effectiveness: (Discussion #8) Boundaries
DBTuesday is a series of posts where we explore skills and concepts from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).
This is one of several posts focusing on interpersonal effectiveness, which is the fourth module of DBT skills training. See this post for general info about DBT and this post for more info about interpersonal effectiveness.
What are boundaries
Boundaries are personal limits that allow us to protect and take care of ourselves.
Examples of boundaries
- Physical: being able to control your personal space, your privacy, and your body
- Sexual: being able to decide what types of touch or verbal/physical intimacy you receive
- Intellectual: being able to decide what thoughts, beliefs, and opinions you have
- Emotional: being able to decide what feelings you share and how close you are to other people
- Financial: being able to control your money and personal belongings
Boundaries protect us
Boundaries allow us to feel like we are in control of our lives. When boundaries are respected, this provides the sense of safety that allows us to feel comfortable with vulnerability or experimenting with growth/change. When boundaries are violated, we’ll tend to feel depleted, anxious, and exhausted.
Boundaries protect others
When we have a solid understanding of boundaries and how to enforce them for ourselves, we are also more likely to recognize and respect others’ boundaries.
Boundaries differ from person to person
People have different needs for boundaries depending on many factors: heritage, culture, geographical location, personality, life experiences, and family dynamics.
Boundaries can be flexible or changing
There may be certain people where it feels like looser boundaries are okay or more rigid boundaries are necessary. It’s also possible for boundaries to change over time in response to experiences.
Tips for setting boundaries
- Notice when you feel uncomfortable: check in with your body for signs of discomfort such as increased heart rate, sweating, or tension in your chest/stomach/throat
- Self-reflection: think about situations that make you feel uncomfortable, consider whether there are any boundaries you might want to create, and ask how you would benefit from them
- Communicate your boundaries with others: DEAR MAN provides a good framework for making these requests
- Start small: if boundaries aren’t already in place, it might make sense to set a few boundaries at first, gradually add more over time, and re-evaluate periodically to see if tweaks are needed
- Set boundaries early: setting expectations from the beginning can help to prevent future conflict or discomfort
- Be consistent: letting boundaries slide can lead to confusion over where the lines are and lead to people crossing those lines more frequently
Tips for respecting others’ boundaries
- Ask before acting: examples would be to ask before hugging someone or to getting permission before asking a personal question
- Look for cues indicating possible discomfort: examples include reduced eye contact, turning away or sideways, backing up, giving limited responses, change in tone of voice, nervous gestures, posture changes, flinching, or wincing. (Not all people will necessarily have the same cues though.)
Reflection
What is an example of a boundary that you have set or would like to set?
Sources:
https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/set-boundaries
https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/interpersonal-effectiveness/interpersonal-boundaries/
https://dbt.tools/interpersonal_effectiveness/boundary-building.php