Broke up with a friend today
Hi all, first time here. Hope this is the right place to post this. Looking for perspective on how to handle the end of a long term friendships. Or relatable antidotes.
I met him in college, we dated for 2 years and then cultivated a friendship in the subsequent two decades. We grew into adults together. In our late 30s, we both married, me first then him. Shortly after his marriage, his wife became uncomfortable with our friendship, despite the fact that we barely spoke and live on opposite coasts. He text only on my birthday after that and I on his. Today I confronted him about whether or not he, himself - not her, wanted to maintain the friendship. He said he did but wanted to remain on good terms with his wife. I respect that, that's never been the issue. I just started to feel that maybe he was hiding his desire to end it behind her issue. He denied it but finally said he no longer wanted contact. This was all by text. He was terse, unemotional, and I felt like I was being handled. It was insulting... I not sure how to feel. I told him I want the best for him, I just felt I deserved more honesty about it. Am I wrong for feeling I deserved an explanation?
@Barniecle. It’s hard when a long time friendship ends. I’m not sure of how to answer if an explanation is deserved. I had an experience where a long time friend stopped talking to me. I did feel their attitude towards me changing before this happened. They never gave a reason. I didn’t ask for one because I kind of felt like I already knew the answer.
I hear you and feel with /for you. Definately could be due to his wife's issue with your relationship even though you were far in distance and rarely connected. I've been on both sides of the coin and in each case it feels horrible because it's not like there was a problem with the relationship ... there is a problem with the primary relationship comfort with that relationship. It's hard. I feel with/for you and wish you comfort.
As a guy reading this, I can imagine him feeling like he was being forced to make a choice from both sides and felt squeezed in between. He may have felt really conflicted. His wife is too insecure to let him enjoy his friendship with you, and maybe it felt to him that you were too insecure to accept that he would find a way to deal with it. His terse answer might reflect that he was frustrated with having to make what may have seemed a “ridiculous” choice. I’m sorry his wife put both of you in that situation, and sorry that it seems to have ended your relationship. That sucks to lose a good friendship. Maybe, try to give your friend the benefit of the doubt on this. Things may change. Best of luck.
I feel both sides of this.
your side you want honesty and friendship with this person whom you share a large part of your life with.
his side he made a connection with another female and she is threatened by your presence.
without getting into it to deeply, he chose who he thought the most severe punishment would come from. He sees a future with her and not you. Let him go and wish him Happy birthday. But also grieve it all and allow it all to happen.
@Barniecle
I understand you -- you cared about your friendship, but you feel he didn't care about it the same amount.
But that is really just how you feel -- it may not necessarily be the truth: he said he did care; and showed his care in his way (birthday texts). Just you don't find his way enough.
You can't change how he does things, so you either change how you feel, or let it go (at least for now -- you may reconnect again as life happens).
Friendships are tricky! I have been disappointed by many people, but people sometimes fall out of friendship, like you fall out of love. It’s painful, but you can’t force things that are suppose to happen naturally. I have had people say they are my friend, yet lack loyalty and commitment as I give to them. That’s just life; you can’t control what others feel or what they do with those feelings. He needed to end it and if you wouldn’t have confronted him, the friendship would have
on it’s own. Your lives are just going in different ways. Enjoy the memories, wish him well, and don’t try to recreate the past. Truly, you can never go back.
