Trauma or Normal Sex Drive?
Ok, folks, you can tear me into pieces but I will dare to confess.
I deeply love my husband for the wonderful human being he is. But I am not attracted anymore. We have long distance relationship in the last year.
Moreover, I don't cheat but I dream about touch with passion, kisses, wild and long.. Nights.
And I look. And sometimes when I look I start dreaming.
Is this my trauma and willingness to be liked? Or it's a normal human thing after 20 years of marriage?
Does it mean that I have to divorce? I tried many things but that boredom simply returns... :(
@Dossema
It can and does happen with a lot of marriages. We get caught up in the mundane and the romance and passion is often forgotten .... many marriages go through that. You are NOT alone in this feeling or even wanting the the touch and thrill of new.
If you feel you can speak to him and let him know how you are feeling like the spark is fading.
If it is a physical thing like he let himself go.... IF it is other issues like being able to talk or resentment over things... Speak up or plan for what is next.
So many relationships IMO can be saved IF people are willing to be honest and proactive when we notice we are not as attracted as we once were. the longer we wait the ember dies.
Thank you for your kind comment, it helps me clear my mind a bit.
The spark is fading is mildly put.. The spark is gone. Nill. Zero. Great gentleness and care, I can hold and caress him and I am happy to do so. But have to force myself to accept his body or to approach him proactively to balance the hormones out. It happens once a few months and lasts few minutes.
I tried different approaches, different places, longer foreplay.. Nothing lasts. Short term spark of energy.
In the same time, I've never been too focused on that. I definitely appreciate more other aspects of the relationship - respect, support, care, sharing, friendship, laughter.
All this is causing huge dissonance and makes me feel like a bad person. But that void remains and resurfaces, again and again.
@Dossema
I am actually in similar shoes ... my spouse had a health issue that ended our love life and he seems OK with it .... without a care in the world. I miss and feel i deserve some intimacy as in my case the friendship and room mate thing is NOT enough.
We do not need to feel guilty about wanting or needing more in our life. I understand that more each day. i am jealous of friends that have the things I miss. I did speak up too late and now he has let himself go as well... more then that the fact that they do not see or care about what we need is a huge loss of attraction/ respect and love.
Hello
@Dossema
I am sorry for referring to a movie again, but when I read your message, one of them is in front of my eyes. It is "Hope Springs", starring Tommy Lee Jones and Meryl Streep (and used-to-be a comedian Steve Carell surprisingly well playing their couple therapist).
I think the picture clearly shows the reality of a middle-age experienced couple, struggling with the routine, boredom, even anger. The road to both of people feeling better can be rocky and full of traps. Either getting old and weary, or being thunderstruck by the rollercoaster of menopause or andropause hormones does not make it any easier, too. However, there is still hope.
These were only my reflections about the subject. I would be curious to hear what are yours...
Sorry, I meant, did you think any couple therapy in your case sounds reasonable?
"I definitely appreciate more other aspects of the relationship - respect, support, care, sharing, friendship, laughter." - Yes! I more than agree with such a definition of a relationship 😊
I appreciate your response, @jacek73! I absolutely do and I am so willing to watch the movie now.
My view.. I went through anxiety and confusion, numbness and then fear.. Now my life feels normal, I am calm, but looks like there's a void inside me, craving for tender loving connection with physical expression again.. I feel guilty about these feelings. I feel sad that I don't feel that with the man I love deeply. I fear how would our almost 22 years old daughter react if she founds out what I want.. I'm ashame. Not sure if I need cure or divorce.
And there is a midlife crisis, yes. But I don't connect it to menopause yet. More with taking each other for granted..