Processing a break up

It took me 15 years to let someone into my life close to me.

I've discovered that how we truly feel about ourselves really impacts who we attract. Not what we think we feel but deep down probably past our day to day awareness.

Before I met this person ive known that we tend to recreate unhealed family dynamics over and over until we are healed. I thought I was.

Turns out for the first time in my life I fell totally in love with someone only to find out that I don’t truly love myself . That I attracted someone who at best is a fearful attachment style, at the worst intentionally uses stonewalling and the silent treatment to cope in relationships.

I have a family member that did this to me for years. I was to the point where I have some deep wounds, not sure if I should or could call it ptsd, but anyone in my life that diassapears without communicating for days or weeks at a time when they use to daily triggers a lot of pain in me.

Despite my intense feelings of love (this was the first person I ever considered marrying and I’m 50) I decided I needed to break up with this person as I had explained at least four times over a year that I understand space (we lived threei hours apart and saw each other maybe on the weekends) but not calling for days at a time or going two weeks without seeing each other especially if there’s something bothering them was not healthy for me. Each time they would agree and vow to make a change just to fall into old patterns.

Finally I did some research on the silent treatment and discovered it’s a form of abuse. I also found out the only way to cope with it is to tell the person doing that if they continue to do that in the relationship that I will no longer participate.

So thats what I did.

I haven’t heard from them since I confronted them last via email in September.

I think actions or rather inaction speaks volumes full. However emotionally I’m struggle to heal. Quite honestly I’m devastated. Mostly that after waiting 15 years I made such a poor investment choice.

My biggest most valuable goal in life is to have happy healthy fulfilling relationships with friends family myself and I believe in God so that’s part of the equation too. I realize now that I have to work on my relationship with myself first but in the meantime I am incredibly isolated.

as I mentioned I come from a very dysfunctional and unhealthy family so healthy connection can’t be had there right now. Also I’m not confident I’m healed enough to attract the right relationships. i need to get this out of me to process and I’m hoping it’s a step. I do see a therapist.

im just discouraged how long this is taking me and really mourning the loss of this “love” I thought we had.

Open to advice or personal antecdotes. Thank you for reading through.