Possibly Raising an Infant
About 8 months ago, I started a casual relationship with a woman, we'll call he lr AB. She is 30, i am 50. She reached out to me on a dating app, said she liked older men, was expecting a child in a few months, was not looking for a father for her child, was not interested in traditional dating simply wanted someone to spend time with, have regular sex, and have a little bit of care and connection. We met for lunch and started getting to know each other. We found we enjoyed each other's company and were similar personalities. It was easy and we saw each other regularly.
She had her daughter in late August. She was in the NICU for a time and I went with AB to the hospital to meet the baby, we'll call her E. I knew going in that the baby would change things, but I also knew that I love babies and am very good with them. I found that I was able to help her with the adjustment and with learning how to deal with an Infant. AB trusts me with E and I have even come and taken her for a day when the nanny canceled.
Over the last 8 months of our relationship, our connection has deepened and we have both realized we love each other. I'm at a point where I am considering a future with her. We've discussed moving in together. Before I give a lot of consideration to that, I am reaching out here for advice from people in my stage of life.
My two daughters are grown. The youngest is about to finish college. I am reaching that stage of life where I am a parent of adult children who are free to make their own decisions and life choices. They are in the road to independence. I know you never really stop being a parent, but the change means my responsibilities relative to them are different.
Now, I have this situation that I did not anticipate. I believe I love AB and E. But, am I ready to start down that road again from the beginning. I will be in my 70s before I reach this point again. We wouldn't have any other kids because I had myself fixed 20 years ago, but I have 20 or so years ahead of me to live life. To do things I've put on hold for years to raise my kids. And is it best for AB and E to potentially have to deal with what health issues I may have as I grow older? Do I have the energy to be.a full time parent to a toddler or young child? If I commit to this, I would love and raise E as though she were my own. The biological father is not in the picture. Wants nothing to do.with her. Am I being selfish for having these thoughts? I am processing so much and I would appreciate some counsel.
@minbuckeye How could you possibly think that you are being selfish for having the thoughts you do? If anything, it shows how incredibly wonderful of a person you are! I was always taught that raising children is one of the hardest jobs there is, and it is... But to raise another child as your own that's not of you, is even harder for some. Not everyone is equipped to take on the role of being a bonus parent. For those who can do it, my hat goes off to them! For example, my dad raised my "half brother" who is the oldest of all the kids as his own. Yes, he was a baby but that was who all my brother knew to be his dad. Perhaps it is easiest when the child is a baby and hasn't been influenced so much in life already, with all kinds of different personalities. Being a parent is hard. It comes with its own shares of joy and obstacles. But it really is the most rewarding job there is. The way I look at it is this: you have unexpected fallen in love and been blessed with this beautiful woman and her baby in your life. If you're courageous enough to take on that role to be a partner and parent to her baby, then do it. I understand you are taking age in to account, but if you are happy, then what is stopping you? It seems you are thinking long term down the road and your age gap worries you. Maybe you feel like you would be an inconvenience to them as you continue to age. Only you know truly. But all I know is that this woman would have been blessed to have found someone like you. This sweet, beautiful baby would have been blessed and fortunate to have a step-up parent like you! Too many people are out making babies and not taking care of their responsibilities. Sometimes life throws us a curve ball that we don't expect. You have two choices-- run or go with it and explore the possibilities. It's my hope that you are happy in whatever you decide. I don't see you as selfish one bit. I actually admire that you have put so much thought into thinking of others. I hope as you continue to ponder about your current situation and life that you eventually find out what it is you want for you down the road. You are important and your happiness matters. I am truly wishing for the best outcome for you all. <3
@minbuckeye I would have my daughters meet this person and see what they think. I would also contact a lawyer to see what kind of liability I was getting myself into. After gathering that information I would wait a year to decide whether to let her move in.
I can see the wisdom in the lawyer. My daughters ha e met her. They like her and love the baby. They don't know we are that serious.
@minbuckeye
It seems you and I are roughly of the same age, and with similar status. And honestly... I might be considering the same possibility as you, if such circumstances arised.
And if you wanted to have a child with a woman of 50, there is not much of a chance, both physically and mentally. You can be a patchwork grandpa for her grandchildren, but that would be more strange.
There is some special feeling I have when I see toddlers ❤️ Maybe it is due to the fact that we became fathers quite late in our lives, and our testosterone levels are lower, so we are warmer and more sensitive, and we could have been two caring grandfathers now... But our children are still a bit too young for that...
From what you say it looks that all lights are green. And with your partner you could be a powerful combo (her youth and freshness combined with your experience, more patience and bigger resistance to lack of sleeping hours 😉).
But maybe it is worth to consider two facts:
I guess the child of your partner will not see her biological father (at least not in 10 to 20 years, while he might get older and wiser), so you would be the only father this little person knows. And if you and your partner happen to breakup one day, that would be the devastating second loss of a father to this baby...
Also, I would not be too concerned about your health in 20 years (if you have no particular trouble with health now). You can never know who will have to be caring for whom when you both start to be getting old. However, I would be aware of the fact how the dynamics of your relationship may (or may not) change in 20 years.
The basic thing, I think, is we never know the future, all relationships are based on being mutually supportive and trust, and life is a risky game, always 😉 But maybe it's worth the effort, too?
You are such a thoughtful and kind person!
My two cents is that 8 months is still pretty early. It's great that you have found love, but that doesn't mean you have to get married and settle down right away! It's ok to just be in a relationship and be a supportive boyfriend. Just because you love someone with a baby doesn't mean you have to be the baby's guardian right away.
I'd say just slow down, enjoy falling in love, and try not to live too far in the future.
Hi Minbuckeye,
I am a 51 year old mom of two college age kids.
thank you for this thoughtful share. You are making a big decision here, so it’s really great that you’re reaching out for support.
my question to you is: what are the things that you put off to be a parent to your daughters? It might be possible to do those things even though you have a growing baby in your life.
that’s also a conversation you can have with AB, about what her expectations might be for you as a father.
I am happy you have found love with AB. And it’s great that your daughters like her and love the baby.
it might be worth asking them how they would feel about you and AB getting more serious—but only once you know your own mind more, I’d say.
finally, health after 70 is largely determined by habits developed by the age of 50, so as someone else said, if you’re healthy now, you’re probably going to be okay later. And kids keep us young!
Those are my initial thoughts. My family has lots of examples of fathers who take on a baby as if it’s their own, and as long as there is transparency about it, I’d say it’s a beautiful thing.
warm regards,
Hi minibuk,
Yes I glimpsed something about being blessed. In my eyes
a. You have been blessed immensely to have an option of a ready made (loving) family.
b. You also have no other father (useless+IN THE WAY) just you & the best you can offer.
You have been given two great girls and they have been given you. You ARE fit and you ARE well. She'll there for you and likewise throughout any health issues quiet frankly either of you may have to tackle and come through at any stage. Currently it seems all's healthy enough to do things and live a normal daily life.
I would continue how you are next vacation plan a holiday. Practice something soul enriching together this year IE..church occasions, temple visiting, meditation classes in summer perhaps
Then a body work thing like joint massages/weekly swimming inc. water babies perhaps, sauna n steam is good for you too. Then towards the end of the year think of enrolling on some educational pursuits. An adult evening course on a languge, diy, parenting but I would say a nutritional course would be good for you too in particular.
Keep going as you are and just aim for the dream out come.
As some one in my world says... "If it ain't broke non at all ; why try and fix it!
Lol 😆
Have a Wonderful 2025
PS, I glimpsed also something about a solicitor....What's that about & for what ?
PPS, I had a partner nearly 20years older he had more energy than me a lot of the time! Cooked well and knew how to eat well. Had wisdom to guide in certain ways. I took had to guide him with my less established (due to age) but great wisdom also. We were brilliant as a match. Due to certain laws his no accessible or in my country at the moment otherwise I probably would still be with him.
Last note Ying n Yang with Balance & Wholeness being the out come