Is this incompatibility or wrong?
My husband never stands up for me. It's become an ongoing conflict and I can no longer tell if we are just incompatible in this way or if one of us is wrong. It bothers me most when someone is rude to me and he is still nice to them. Enthusiastic even. Ive asked him to show a strong front of neutrality when this happens, meaning that he doesn't need to be rude in return or do anything about it, just not be so nice. He says Im asking him to change who he is and that he doesn't want strangers to dictate his behavior. He then exaggerates my request of neutrality saying that I'm asking him to be rude. And that ihis response has to be what I want instead of what he wants. But in refusing to reach an understanding, isn't he doing just that?
I told him it's embarrassing to me when he so friendly towards people who are rude, like he is sending the message that it's ok to treat his wife this way and that we don't have a united front. I told him I feel unloved when he behaves this way because it seems to me that men typically protect those they love. And that while it's fine for him to not want to change his character when people are rude to him, I'm a different person in the equation whose feelings should factor.
It's basically a stalemate but I find myself losing respect for him because I think cowardice and people pleasing are at the root of it. I feel like second to total strangers. Which one of us is wrong?
@Barniecle
I think it can be more to the story.
IT can be a people pleasing issue with him or maybe a case by case basis of what happened. Sometimes it is a number of factors in the situation.
Some people because of job they may have/ had they are conditioned to deal with rude people by being super nice instead of shutting it down example sales careers/ public customer service.
i have thought someone was rude to me then later found out the person and I were not communicating clearly and we both shared information we saw frustration on not being able to communicate. If my spouse stood up and got involved it would have perhaps made it worse.
@Barniecle I understand that you feel unloved and unprotected by your husband when he responds to people who are mean to you in a nice way. I would feel that way too. I don't think either of you are wrong or right. I think it just comes down to preferences. Even if his response is coming from a place of people pleasing and cowardice, he would need to want to change that before your dynamic with him changes.
If you have brought this issue up to your spouse several times and he is standing on what he believes and you are as well (which you have every right to) I think it is indeed an incompatibility in this area. I think approaching it from a place of explaining how you deeply feel and are affected by this and not mentioning what is right or wrong in this scenario could help if you haven't already had a conversation like that. Saying that you think he is wrong could be triggering and make it hard for your husband to see the real issue: how his behavior makes you feel.
If that conversation has already been had and there isn't anything that he wants to do differently, then I think the next step would be to consider whether this is something that you can live with in your marriage.
I know this is a difficult situation to be in and I hope it all works out 🤞
Wow, you are really great at communicating clearly and nonjudgmentally. Thank you for taking the time to answer so thoughtfully and for the validation. I think I'm at the last paragraph. He has been emotionally abusive in our marriage, as well, and I thought that might be changing. However, I can't be sure whether this is part of it or just incompatibility. But either way, it's all stacking up.
@Barniecle tgordon21 probably put it better than I could. All I have to add is this:
If it was your husband's politeness to rude people by itself, that could be a few different things. It could be as simple as differing communication styles...
But add in the emotional abuse you mentioned, & it sounds more like he doesn't give a fart in a windstorm about your feelings or thoughts on this matter.
In most divorce cases the ex-wife gets 50%+ of the assets no matter what....just food for thought.
At first glance, it seems you have "the nice guy" for a husband. However, it's also questionable what you consider rude, perhaps he doesn't, therefore there is no need of him to stand on your side. Again, the two of you might differ in your principles, and in the way of managing things. I think this matter concerns more of the subjective complexes than objective reality, therefore there is no clear solution at this time.
I hate to be the debbie downer but I gave u say the vibe I’m getting from what your telling us, is he doesn’t love you! You were correct is your statement that when a man loves a woman his first instinct is to protect. It sounds like he welcomes opportunity to make you look bad and cut you down. In doing so you lose your self respect and I think ultimately in the end him. He’ll use it as an excuse for why the marriage didn’t work out There’s always something in it for them they do nothing without benefit!! A man should defend his wife’s honor if/when that stops it might be time you call it quits?? How long have you been married for?? Children??
I’m sorry your husband is not being respectful of your feelings. I read your statement and as I’m writing this it takes me back to my former marriages. I have done this with my former wives when someone was rude/ disrespectful to them. But what they didn’t know was at a later time I spoke to the person(s) who was ugly to them and the person(s) apologized to my spouse the next time they saw each other. Please, don’t get me wrong your spouse MUST respect your feelings. Sometimes a confrontation at the immediate time could be damaging then having a private conversation to get a point across.
If he handled things this way, I would definitely feel loved and protected. Instead he gets defensive whenever I try to tell him how his inaction makes me feel. We have an ongoing situation with the neighbors who blatantly ignore me for no reason, since I've only interacted with them once and it was pleasant. They are very nice to him, though. He is adamant it's all in my head and has yelled at me how it's somehow my fault that they ignore me Yes, he's very inconsistent in his arguments. He will enthusiastically wave and smile at them. Feels like he does it to rub it in. But he is considerate in other ways so I truly don't know the answer. Thank you for sharing.
@Barniecle Your husband my not see it and that's to his blind eye. Keep this in mind you are important to others as well to yourself. Know through adversity there is a rainbow ahead, but you are most important despite what others say. I'm reading your remarks and I'm guessing the neighbors only know you from what your husband has mentioned to them about you, so now its time them actually met you let them know who you really are. Put his comments to the test and see how genuine his remarks are from who they meet. If that makes sense.
A bad person ruined your happiness and you carry it your mind and ruin your happiness with your husband just thinking it's worth it,
First Love is a relationship which come without needing the support for leading our life. Its like first we find ourself and find happiness, Love is all about sharing when 2 people come together it's a should be harmony sharing happiness sharing love and sharing the best moments and sorrows together.
Expecting him to take a stand for somebody rude to you is good.
But making urself stern to that person is better. So it never repeats.
Belive our sterness is more powerfull.
