Fear of the dark

Hi, 

I'm writing this help figure out what's going on in life. December is very hard month for me for many reasons. This time of year, is hard for me as well because it gets dark earlier. Better if I go back a few years more like 50years. I've never really been fond of the nighttime for me it seemed depressing, and yea a bit scary. Anyways I'm not looking for anything but understanding why I feel this way. I have been married 4 times. Yes 4 and 3 ended at Christmas time. Yes, I blame myself even though I was the one cheated on and lied upon. and at most time I feel like I'm not worthy of having a relationship. I've done the whole therapy thing Really, I'm not sure what I'm expecting but I would like some type of resolution or at very lease understanding in guiding my next move in life.