Its long, feeling alone & grieving
Im coming up on a 1 year anniversary of an old friend dying in a car accident. Some may not understand, but its been difficult sharing/showing my pain. There are words or titles for being numb, but i think it has more to do with the fact as a child i wasnt allowed to show emotion. They didnt want to see it. When i did show tears, they called me a crybaby! When i showed laugher or happiness, they told me i wasnt allowed to be happy. My mother was a narcissist, my dad is passive aggressive and my siblings are both. In spite of them, i laugh out loud at silly stuff i see. But its difficult for me to show my tears, even in private. Ive been to his crash site 3 times and I’m just quite inside. The guardrail has been replaced and marker where they located him after he was ejected from the truck is still in place. I want to leave something fun for him, maybe a gnome, but... His widow and myself are the only ones who know the spot and she’s only been there once. I made she saw it, she needed to see it. Even she didn’t want to see my sadness. She had him for 25 years, but i knew him for 40 years. Feeling alone & i miss him. We were friends, even in his darkest days.
Try writing letters to your friend in a diary. He\she is still there in your heart.
Thats the strange thing, when i sit down to do just that, my mind shuts down. Its like I’m not allowed or something. I journal all the time, but for some reason i cant get my thoughts on the page. Thank you for the idea!
The widow send out a group text with one of the last photos she has of him before he died. Its was a horrible trip for her and he was blowing her off the whole time. I havent responded and no one else has (in the group text). Im going to not respond to any of her texts because i need my time with his memory. He was a dear friend and i just cant put my feelings aside to hold her up. I need to take care of me for the next 48hrs.