Adult child wants nothing to do with me
IRS hard to k ow where to start. I was married to an alcoholic who was at times abusive to my 2 children. I was in denial about that at the time and just in survival mode. Now I know I am codependent with my children, esp the youngest. I am told continually that I am a liar, an emotional abuser, and she wants nothing to do with me. I made lots of mistakes but I never consided myself a horrible person. I know she speaks from a lot of pain but I also think she may be borderline or maybe just extreme anger. IDK. The pain that it brings me is overwhelming and to top it off my current husband is absolutely no comfort. I'm going to start going to CoDA meetings tomorrow. Just venting. I thought 60 and retired was going to be nice but last 2 years have been hellish.
Sorry I need to add that I am trying to change because I know I am emotionally closed off and I want to change that. And I am not good at listening to her because I'm scared of the deep emotional conversations.
@ScarlettB60
Vulnerablility IS scary! Deep emotional conversations ARE scary!
Most of our generation was raised by parents who had kind of messed up ideas about how to raise kids and consequently, we deveopled some jacked up tools when it was our turn to parent. If there was abuse or addiction in the mix, those tools are that much more jacked up.
12 step programs and their ancillary counterparts can be very useful in learning to OWN our mistakes and to listen to others without getting defensive or arguing. They demand rigorous honesty with ourselves first which can be terrifying. That's why most programs suggest getting a sponsor who has significant recovery time and has developed the skills to help guide you through the process. This is difficult, sometimes heartbreaking work but the you that comes through will be a better person and a better parent.
Will it resolve your kid's anger towards you? Maybe, maybe not. But at the very least you will have the learned how to accept their choices with grace and you can let them know that your hand is always exteneded to them should they choose to reach out. It might be better to not broadcast your newfound intentions until you have made solid progress in your recovery from co-dependence.
I am glad you found cups and that you're taking positive steps to heal yourself of your past. You'll hear a lot of sayings but the one that applies most will be Time Takes Time. People we've hurt will be suspicious and wary until they see a long term, continual pattern of better behavior from us. Be patient with your kid(s) and keep working on yourself.
Thank you so much!! I attended my first Codependency meeting today and I have Hope that will help. I appreciate.your feedback.
