[TW] Parent of teen with mental health issues

@MarillaCuthbert

it is exhausting and you must be on high alert most of the time ......

the hardest things i would think is even when help is available how does one know when it is healing or improving you cut yourself or have a physical illness one can see improvement ......

Mental health on the other hand you look but often those with issues are skilled at masking issues ... put on a happy face ......does your teen engage in counseling talk openly with you and share or just going through the motions ....... Mental health is IMO an item like exercise no one can do it for you and while some do things on occasion it take commitment and continuing work to see results

You’re so right, they have to do the work for themselves.

they’ve been to ERs, IOPs, PHPs and residential and over that time, hid a lot but finally opened up. Unfortunately right now, they are facing some new stressors and are lacking the confidence that they have grown and have skills to manage their emotions. They want to run back to residential where others keep them safe and they are insulated from the world but we are against that - it would be going backwards - but there’s always that voice lurking in my head saying that I can’t take any risks with their safety and if they want that level of treatment I should provide it… just in case… but the professionals say it’s not needed… I feel like a week ago things were under control and now it’s all sideways.

@MarillaCuthbert

"They want to run back to residential where others keep them safe and they are insulated from the world"

i agree with your position on this ................. it is hard to ever face triggers and find ways to use coping skills and like everything else a SKILL must be practiced .........

IF they retreat to a safety of others .........who do not expect them to practice coping skills and finding their path ......

as other posters mentioned everyone's experience with depression and teen years is different but almost everyone i knew and know always felt they had the worst situation possible no one ever claimed to be middle of the road or on the light side .... no one who is afraid of the dark ever faced their fears....... if the lights are always on.

@MarillaCuthbert

Hey, as someone who had that experience with my parents I'd like to tell you some things.

First, you were a teenager yourself, so don't act like you can't relate at all, that makes us feel like you have never been teenagers or never felt depressed. (but remember every body has a different kind of pain)

Second, don't act like you are the one who need help, in my case when I selfharmed my parents cried and felt scared and even stole my room key, I hated that, we need privacy, we need to be loved for who we are, it is our right to be loved and feel embraced by at least few people and we need you to understand that there is a pain so bad inside our soul that takes courage to defeat.

And afterall it is not hard to be a friend to your child, they are unqiue, they are beautiful and you need to love them for that uniqueness. The more beautiful the soul the more painful it gets to grow up.

@21themoon

"Second, don't act like you are the one who need help, in my case when I selfharmed my parents cried and felt scared."

As someone with chronic depression who has dealt w suicidality, as well as a person who has supported many others through mental illness, I try to see it from both sides.

Those who are struggling need support *and* those supporting them need it, too. But, yes, to your point, it's unrealistic for friends and family to expect it to come from their suffering loved one.

What I've seen happen a lot is that parents and loved ones don't seek adequate support from outside, think they need to handle it all on their own, and burn out or get overwhelmed or angry.

When that happens in the presence of the person with mental illness, it can feel like they're being asked to carry the other person's feelings in addition to their own. Basically, it can be felt as a boundary crossing that leads to angry reactions in the process of reasserting the boundary.

I think it's important to remember mental illness is hard on everyone involved. And also that no family unit can deal with it effectively unless they have outside support.

@MarillaCuthbert

I highly, highly recommend DBSA's online groups for friends and family of loved ones with mental illness. NAMI has a friends and family group, too. Many parents attend with similar experiences and needs for support.

https://www.dbsalliance.org/support/for-friends-family/

The DBSA groups are twice every week and run through the platform HeyPeers.

@MarillaCuthbert

I am inviting you to the Sharing Circle chat room where you may meet and share with other members of 7Cups.com ! 😊

I think giving your child the agency to make the choice to go to residential is the right thing. They are asking for help. Get them that help.

It may be the thing they need right now in order to get their feet back under themselves.