I'll be 35 tomorrow! Hi, I'm A

Hi. My name is A-----. I'm going to be 35 tomorrow.

I have been diagnosed with a mood disorder (not quite MDD, not quite Bipolar 2), CPTSD, and super recently - OCD. I've been encouraged to get tested for neurodivergency. Probably a little on the Autism spectrum, but if not, definitely Sensory Processing Disorder. I used to have panic attacks pretty often, but they have mostly left me.

I do IFS therapy currently. And I'm looking for a trauma group in my city, too.

My big hurdle is the loss of my first true love. We were together for eight years (a significant number in my life). It has been three years since he left, but I am still struggling with it.. a LOT. I can't seem to let go. His family does not approve of me so there is really nothing I can do. But I can't convince my brain.

I just started medicine for OCD to stop the near constant barrage of thoughts about him. And the manipulative child in me is trying to so covertly get his attention online. It's not working. So I guess that's good?

I have a lot of attachment trauma from my childhood. A mostly absent military father and a mother with CPTSD herself. Physical and emotional neglect. Some sibling drama as well. And lots of stress. A whole life of stress.

I can be much more compassionate with myself now that I am older. But I still need more practice. My manipulative child part is searching desperately for love in all the wrong places. I keep going back to empty wells for water. Maybe this time...

I hope I can find myself an ocean. Of supportive community. Of love from a partner who can be there. Of self love.

I hope I can learn to be brave. To know what I want/need and be able to declare it.

I hope I can embrace my mischievous inner child so she can play instead of scheme.

Here's to 35~!