lost
I been working with my therapist for almost a year now. Lately my down fall is I want to be more open then I am but I hold back . She had time today and did a chat with and let me in some stuff that she has dealt with and I felt like I was not all alone in this big bad world. She was me to keep in contact with her but I find it hard to email her . I start to write the email and delete it. Many time I have broke down in tears just talking to her . I have felt her presence even though it was video chat. I felt that she was in the same room with me and saying it going to be okay and your going to get though this hard time. My nights are the worst and feel disconnected from reality.
Hi @lostemt76
I am glad to hear you have a therapist you feel connected with and safe to cry with.💛 It is normal to get to limits where you have trouble sharing. Sometimes we can just say something like "there are things I want to say but I feel scared/stuck/unable to". Same with emailing...i.e. "I wrote you an email then deleted it, I felt so silly".
This is one lucky sign the fact that you have somewhat connected with this therapist, don't stop now you hold back once or everytime & you become more alone & more depressed, then you stop asking for help, keep internalising thoughts & suppressing emotions, they bottle up, you either explode or that light slowly dims I mean any light we have left inside of us, it's definitely okay to have low points & it's okay to say out loud "I'm not okay" it's alright to ask for help or scream from the mountain tops your deepest feelings, honestly it's cathartic, it's 100% okay to express yourself with zero judgement around others.
Usually I'm loud & outspoken according to most.
I've spent 6 months personally doing the opposite being quiet & not talking, closing off, internalising & it's so dangerous, it's more hazardous then me speaking my mind if this makes sense.
I'm on the brink of do I admit myself to mental institution.
If you're after advice I'm not sure if you're but mine would be don't stay silent please talk to your therapist even if it hurts because talking to absolutely no obe hurts even more.
I've had lots of councillors & psychologist I wish they'd opened their ears
I was 100% open & they turned me away, seriously I find the opposite for me it was hard to get a therapist to listen to me they think because I use talk openly so much that I'm fine but I'm not.
Sometimes my talking was my nerves therefore I couldn't shutup or ramble on a separate topic unintentionally deflecting ugh 🤦♀️.
NOW I've just chosen to get mad instead of being sad or I don't know how to function in this world anymore with being happy or being sad... I only know how to vent all my frustrations & I fear I may actually hurt someone in the process, hence why I'm seeking help now... no more being silent it just kills me not the people that were hurting me.
I can't even sleep at night it's the worst because you're alone with your thoughts too 😢 I feel you
I always wonder is it me, am I doing something wrong & wtf am I doing here in this world blah, blah, blah...
You will be okay, it's a process, baby steps & talk don't go quiet, shy or think what you've got to say is meaningless because your words hold power.
I leave you with my Grans fav quote:
The pen is mightier than the sword.
Understand & remember every word & email no matter how trivial you may think it is... it means something even if you think it holds no weight I guarantee you someone else out there will see the value i& depth n your words, thoughts & feelings that are expressed.
Sharing any of that information to anyone is a gift.
Sending you love & peace wherever you are.