Not attracted to Mr. Right

Hmmm, that’s sad. The hardest thing to ask is, WHY. Your feelings are valid, but its complicated. One thing Im sure of, you are lucky to have him..but you need to work it out. Discover yourself. What is it that you want and dont want with him? Can you live without him? Can you let him go? If he is that patient, take your time and discover. The longer it takes though, the more it gets unfair for him. So decide and stick with it. Might do both of you a favor. The possibilities are:

You get intimate with him, both happy.

He stays long but in the end you arent happy

You realized you like him but he got tired and lost the feeling

You do nothing. He stays with you, but you got attracted to another

these are just some. So if i were you id think through it and discover what i want and how i feel.

@endlessthoughts123

It is a sad situation. He does so much for me and my family. And because of my own psychological issues, I can’t love him. I feel nothing when I hold his hand. And I feel I love him as a friend.

In that case, you need to decide if you want to stick with him or go find the right one who will make you genuinely happy. He needs to know how you feel so he can let you go and live for real. Easier said than done, but this is what will set you free.

I appreciate your thoughtful feedback. @Endlessthoughts123

I can understand you. I haven't been through exactly the same but something similar.

What I am trying to do is get myself to be sexually attracted to the one who is the right guy who is deserving of me. I convince my mind of how much beauty it could add to my life if I achieve this kind of intimacy. Being grateful for having a right person in my life and imagining a model of love for myself is what I am doing to prepare mentally. I think it takes time and this is a work of practise and thought training.

Perhaps you could do the same if your heart tells you to do so. I dont think it's impossible to change thought patterns from negative to positive. People have overcome trauma and found peaceful unions. We could do the same.

Don't think of yourself as alone in this. Be inspired by so many people who are cultivating love based intimacy in their lives by learning to trust their fate.

@Creamyyy

Thank you for mentioning that I am not the only one with intimacy problems.

@babybluerose

rose : i can really relate to your comments 😊

I am bipolar and i struggle with the same issues when it comes to relationships !

I have found that sharing with other 7Cups members who are dealing with the same issues

helps me understand my patterns and i feel less lonely.

rose : i am extending an invitation to join me in the 7Cup Sharing Circle Chat room !

@babybluerose I think it might be true that if you learn to love yourself many beautiful friendships and or relationships may come into your life. Learning self love is also probably the best skill to ever learn. Skills take practice and time, so be patient with this. I’d suggest being grateful for what you have, just as it is now (that doesn’t mean you deny any wish for something more). Perhaps express your gratitude to your friend for being in your life and for how well he treats you. Sharon Salzburg (as well as many others) teaches a practice called “meta”. I found it helpful. All my life I have been told to love others, but no one taught me “how.” It felt like a thing “I should do.,” but often feels so hard to do. But when I have been able to love myself, loving others became easier than I could imagine. I believe loving yourself is also a very attractive trait to others. — Wishing you and your friend all the best

@babybluerose

Hi. I am not familiar with bipolar disorder and what kind of feelings it can bring up in you, so what I say may not resonate with you.

For some reason, I sensed you were being unfair to yourself when I read your post. I don't think anything is wrong with you. Please don't attach yourself to the story that you are repeating familiar patterns from childhood and only able to feel physical attraction to men who are not good for you, because you were actually able to feel emotional and physical attraction to Mr Right before. He was very good to you then and you managed to be in a relationship with him. You may have dealt with the grief of a breakup unhealthily by seeing so many men, but you also said that it didn't feel good to you when they didn't want relationships and so you stopped engaging because it doesn't align with you. That's ok, grief is so difficult and everyone one of us is prone to picking up unhealthy habits until we realize they're not serving us. Maybe, very simply, you've changed, your preferences have changed, your attraction has changed. That doesn't mean you are bad or ungrateful for him. I think things like this happen even in well-established relationships and marriages.

You realize that you're attracted to someone who isn't good for you and you're not going after that. I think that's very self-loving. Relationships cannot be based solely on physical attraction or chemistry, but they can't be fulfilling for people who care about and want intimacy, without it.

Maybe it would be helpful to realize that you have more options than these two guys. Your previous experience doesn't show the intentions of all men. There are men who do want to be in relationships that you can very much feel attracted to. You just have to give yourself the chance to spot them. I don't know if you have tried to be single for a while, it might be worthwhile.

Maybe the role of Mr. Right isn't meant to stay the same as it used to be. Maybe he's only meant to be a friend now. We all need friends! Nor do I think that forcing yourself to feel something or hoping it would come to you one day is a good idea. It'll definitely be a good idea to let him know where you're at in case he's hoping or waiting for a different future.

Be kind to yourself and watch out for the things you say to yourself. Our beliefs drive our actions.