My wife wants to leave me, help!
So we’ve been married for almost 11 years now. We haven’t been living together for the last three months, but that’s due to my current job. Shes staying with her parents and our two kids while I I’m living alone in another city. We see each other every weekend but our relationship does feel like it has become more stale over the last year. We hardly do couple’s things, just focus on the kids.
Recently she broke down and told me she wasn’t happy and wants to separate. She said she thinks we’re both unhappy but just staying together because we’re used to it. I’ve been feeling that she’s just not attracted to me anymore. I usually initiate all contact(kissing, etc.). I kept my composure in front of her but broke down inside. She said she wants to try to work things out but I just feel on the inside that she’s done.
Now I’m back in my apartment alone, and I feel such terrible despair and loneliness! It’s so hard for me to do anything now. Everywhere I go I see constant reminders of her. I was committed for life, I don’t know why she doesn’t want me anymore. I don’t know how I could go on with out her. Thanks for any support.
I'm sorry for what you are going through. Relationships are never perfect. I only wish they could be, it would make love and life a whole lot easier. Have you told your wife how you feel? I think talking about everything and be open with each other may really help your relationship.
You say that you're committed for life, but in the past three months how much have you committed to her and your relationship? To your credit, you were away because of work commitments (not going about having an affair or gambling and partying or something irresponsible), but if you see more of your clients/work colleagues than you do your wife and children, then what does that say about your commitment in a pragmatic and real sense? And for her, if she is essentially raising the children alone, and sees more of her parents than you - Is it any wonder that she feels unhappy in the relationship? Of course she will start thinking that the relationship is more about familiarity - that you both just exist in each others lives.
One of the predominant threats to intimacy, to desire, to attraction - is domestic life ~ ! When we feel our role has become that of a "care-taker" it completely destroys our sense of eroticism, our lust, our attraction to our partner. because care-taking is about responsibility, it is about the burdens of adulthood and parenthood. There is nothing "sexy" about it at all ~ ! And worst of all, when we sink into that routine (as you both have done here) of making your lives all about that care-taking role, as parents, as a provider for you family, your brains switch off, everything goes into a kind of "autopilot" (Going through the motions, not really doing anything particularly exciting together, not challenging yourself and not growing together) and while you're both doing very important things (earning an income, raising a family) - everything vibrant inside you is stagnating, your hunger and drive and passion is forgotten and inactive, and somewhere you both stopped feeling alive.
It's not too late. She's communicating with you her needs. She's crying because she's distressed. She's terribly sad about all of this. She still feels something for you. She still perceives some value in this marriage. You do too! You had a break down, and break downs are the gateway to a breakthrough. You need to take control of this situation right now. You need to get out of autopilot and start acting with intentionality. You need to dig deep inside, access those emotions, everything passionate inside you, everything that wants to save your marriage, every moment you thought about her, all the love and commitment you have for her, for your marriage, for your children, you need to awaken all of that again with the vibrancy of a thousand blazing stars. And then you need to commit to fixing this. First tell her honestly how you feel! Be vulnerable! Stop with the artificial composure. A lack of emotion is one of the reasons why she thinks you both aren't working out to begin with, why she thinks you're both unhappy! See a relationship counselor, go on a retreat together. Sit down without the children (leave them with the parents for a while) and talk about everything that's bothering you, talk about your fears, your desires, bare your souls to one another! Tell her she's it for you, that you'll do anything to keep her - and mean it! Change your life ~ ! Whatever it takes, commit all of yourself to her! Show her that she is a priority. Show her that she matters. This is what she needs from you. And not just the grand gestures - it needs to be REAL. Not just the promises and the vows, but real, genuine commitment, that is accompanied by CHANGE.
All the best to the both of you ~ ! I am rooting for you both ~ ! CatzInTheCradle
same prob with my husband he doesn't talk till I talk he doesn't change he doesn't express his feelings I am who must express talk first and even ask him for my sexual desires several times I talked to Him a lot he promised to change for while and he back to his normal routine personality, cold
she is right this is not kind of living as woman or wife
