Losing the battle.

This is long and ranty so forgive me but I wanted to just get this out.

I'm not one for New Year's resolutions but I do think 2023 is just going to end up more of the same or worse if I can't make myself actually DO something.

The situation I'm in now... I live at home with my parents and brother. Even though I'm bringing in some income with a job, I'm the only computer literate person in my household and I take care of the animals that my brother has a habit of impulse buying when he drinks and he doesn't take care of because he's a lazy alcoholic.

And my dad is the enabler of it. He will constantly beg my brother to get him alcohol so they can drink together. Usually under the guise of doing something around the house as an excuse to drink but rather than just a father and son beer while doing yardwork, it turns into several cases of beer and bottles of whiskey, property damage, and abusive behavior/fighting... Every. Single. Time.

Getting my mom to get rid of them doesn't work. She has this weird "good samaritan" complex where she believes if she does leave my dad, she would be the one to leave and be homeless despite the house ONLY being in her name, not his. And she has legal protections against him taking it if she were to pass away. But even then, she wont do it because he's retired and his social security income is too much to let go of.

As for my brother, her reasoning for that is she doesn't want to choose between her children. So that brings me to where I'm stuck at now. I will make the choice for her and leave but the problem is I just can't... Make myself do what I should do.

I'm taking college courses online but at the rate I'm going, it'll be 8 years before I graduate. I'm getting a tech degree so I know I can kind of speed things along a bit if I get my CompTIA cert. At least maybe an entry-level help desk job might pay enough to live off of and I can move out.

But with where I'm at... How do I even do such a thing? When I spend my days hiding in my room, growing more and more obese from lack of exercise even if I barely eat because my metabolism has just shut down from years of battling this deep depression? When I can barely take care of my basic human needs, take my meds, or even get out of bed unless it's to go to work or do what I'm ordered to do and nothing more? Both the accumulating mental and physical damage is making it hard just to do what I need to do.

Even my collegework, when I open my notes or project folder or whatever, I get this sinking feeling and I just want to shut it out and put it away to work on later. Until "later" then becomes rushed at the last minute work that barely passes with a D or C grade.

Idk what's wrong with me. I used to have so much fight in me when I was younger. I used to get so angry and that anger would drive me into pushing myself towards a stable life.

I started with literally nothing too. I grew up in a shack with no heat or electricity and couldn't legally work or drive (or anything) until I was 25. (That's a long story as to why.) I spent my childhood in constant fear because of my dad's violent temper. (That my brother has definitely inherited.) Yet I can't bring myself to take a shower everyday much less study for some stupid test and I know it's me that's the problem here.

I'm so close to getting out, or at least I want to think I am, but I can't do it. Like I've just... Accepted death at this point. Especially considering the toll that my inaction has taken on my physical health. There's no fixing that either. I'll return to the gym for a week and then *** will start to go bad at home again and I'll end up holeing myself up in my bedroom again for another several months. It's gotten so bad that I can barely walk now, my achilles tendons are shot to ***. Everything hurts. And I know I did this to myself and I hate myself for it.