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chaoticTired98
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts71 Forum posts19 Forum upvotes51 Current upvotes51 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2023 Member sinceOctober 11, 2022
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I wish I couldn't cry anymore. (TW: Mention of self harm, vague mentions of suicide)
Journals & Diaries / by chaoticTired98
Last post
 February 20th, 2023
...See more Between the runny nose, and the headache that can last for days afterward, or the random little things that can set it off, I just wish it didn't happen to me. (Seriously, this time it was an old cereal commercial from when I was a kid. Really!? A stupid old commercial!?) I want to just cut my own eyes out to make it stop sometimes but I know the consequences of that would probably be far worse. And even worse is seeing my eyes all red and puffy and everything. It's like I might as well have painted a sign above my head that says "please treat me like garbage and make me feel worse." Because Idk what it is about seeing someone cry that turns people into absolute monsters. That they just assume that they're they reason you're upset and will take it personally and will turn around and do everything in their power to make you feel even worse. Idk. I can't tell if Icm more angry at myself or them. But I think at myself is easier, and safer, because at least I might be able to do something about it without hurting someone else. If only I had a switch I can just shut off and power down until things were all over with. Sadly life doesn't work that way though.
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Losing the battle.
35 & Over Community / by chaoticTired98
Last post
 January 1st, 2023
...See more This is long and ranty so forgive me but I wanted to just get this out. I'm not one for New Year's resolutions but I do think 2023 is just going to end up more of the same or worse if I can't make myself actually DO something. The situation I'm in now... I live at home with my parents and brother. Even though I'm bringing in some income with a job, I'm the only computer literate person in my household and I take care of the animals that my brother has a habit of impulse buying when he drinks and he doesn't take care of because he's a lazy alcoholic. And my dad is the enabler of it. He will constantly beg my brother to get him alcohol so they can drink together. Usually under the guise of doing something around the house as an excuse to drink but rather than just a father and son beer while doing yardwork, it turns into several cases of beer and bottles of whiskey, property damage, and abusive behavior/fighting... Every. Single. Time. Getting my mom to get rid of them doesn't work. She has this weird "good samaritan" complex where she believes if she does leave my dad, she would be the one to leave and be homeless despite the house ONLY being in her name, not his. And she has legal protections against him taking it if she were to pass away. But even then, she wont do it because he's retired and his social security income is too much to let go of. As for my brother, her reasoning for that is she doesn't want to choose between her children. So that brings me to where I'm stuck at now. I will make the choice for her and leave but the problem is I just can't... Make myself do what I should do. I'm taking college courses online but at the rate I'm going, it'll be 8 years before I graduate. I'm getting a tech degree so I know I can kind of speed things along a bit if I get my CompTIA cert. At least maybe an entry-level help desk job might pay enough to live off of and I can move out. But with where I'm at... How do I even do such a thing? When I spend my days hiding in my room, growing more and more obese from lack of exercise even if I barely eat because my metabolism has just shut down from years of battling this deep depression? When I can barely take care of my basic human needs, take my meds, or even get out of bed unless it's to go to work or do what I'm ordered to do and nothing more? Both the accumulating mental and physical damage is making it hard just to do what I need to do. Even my collegework, when I open my notes or project folder or whatever, I get this sinking feeling and I just want to shut it out and put it away to work on later. Until "later" then becomes rushed at the last minute work that barely passes with a D or C grade. Idk what's wrong with me. I used to have so much fight in me when I was younger. I used to get so angry and that anger would drive me into pushing myself towards a stable life. I started with literally nothing too. I grew up in a shack with no heat or electricity and couldn't legally work or drive (or anything) until I was 25. (That's a long story as to why.) I spent my childhood in constant fear because of my dad's violent temper. (That my brother has definitely inherited.) Yet I can't bring myself to take a shower everyday much less study for some stupid test and I know it's me that's the problem here. I'm so close to getting out, or at least I want to think I am, but I can't do it. Like I've just... Accepted death at this point. Especially considering the toll that my inaction has taken on my physical health. There's no fixing that either. I'll return to the gym for a week and then *** will start to go bad at home again and I'll end up holeing myself up in my bedroom again for another several months. It's gotten so bad that I can barely walk now, my achilles tendons are shot to ***. Everything hurts. And I know I did this to myself and I hate myself for it.
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Had a terrible Halloween.
35 & Over Community / by chaoticTired98
Last post
 November 1st, 2022
...See more It's been a long time since I've had a "fun" Halloween and I can't recall if the last time was when I was still young enough to trick-or-treat or during my teens/early 20s when I'd go out to get blackout drunk at a Halloween party. Probably why I can't remember those times though. But being in my mid 30s with a decent job, I had some hopes of getting to celebrate at least in a small way. It's probably the only holiday I like because I'm not dealing with the living *** that is family and relatives getting into my business. But just like every year, it's spent working myself half to death for people who do nothing but make me feel like nothing I ever do for them is good enough. I just want to sit at home and huddle up in my favorite hoodie with some warm tea and play some good horror videogames. Maybe even watch a good scary mini series on Youtube. But even just some quiet time to unwind feels like too much to ask for.
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Hey
35 & Over Community / by chaoticTired98
Last post
 October 13th, 2022
...See more I've written and rewritten this a dozen times and it always got long but I'm new here and I've heard these therapy things can help. I tried talk therapy once but it didn't work out. Too many things in my life demand my time but I've been hanging in there on antidepressants. It's just trying to avoid burnout that's been giving me trouble, especially at my age. Hopefully you guys will understand.
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