Am I at fault? Why cant i be happy?
I’m sorry in advance that this story is all over the place.
I’ve just started my first year of college and just finished me first semester. I made friends and got lots of ppl instagrams. I didn’t talk to them just exchanged info. My roommate called me hoe because I have ppl instagrams but I don’t even talk to anybody. My Instagram started being shared around by the football players cuz I guess they thought I was easy and was gonna pass me around so I cut them all off. All while later I meet this guy and I thought I really liked him and he was a nice guy but to find out he only wanted to sleep with me. I went to his place on some friendly stuff to get to know each other better but he was grabbing me trying to touch on me so I told him that I’m on my period and that I was still a virgin. He talkin bout”we can still do other things and was still kissin on my and touching me but I just felt uncomfortable and scared to say anything to him because I felt bad; he told me I didn’t look like a virgin and how I’m still one. Eventually he took me back and I was happy but it was my fault because I shoulda known. I got drunk at a party and next thing I know I’m being carried into a room layer on the bed and the door shut. I don’t really fully know what was going on until my friends came busting in the door to get me. This happened more than once. I’m steady being called a h** even though all I want is a relationship but all they want is sex. It’s gotten to the point where I be having nightmares and I feel so dirty and disgusted with myself. I’m trying to hold it in but my mental health is becoming worse and I feel useless. A lot of things happened at the end of semester that stressed me out even more where I failed a class and my hair started coming out.I was even thrown up. I just feel like the friends I have aren’t really my friends.I feel like I have to be perfect.I’m trying my hardest to forgot these bad memories but they are haunting me. Is it my fault? Am I really a h**? It’s gotten to the point I don’t even wanna leave my dorm anymore.
You are not at fault. It sounds like you’ve gone through a lot of hardships this semester which have sadly led to unlucky circumstances. I understand feeling scared to leave the dorm 100%. Failing a class will slightly affect your gpa and funding but you CAN come back from it. Maybe you could try calling your college’s counseling services (if they have it) and asking for extra help with them (whether it’s therapy sessions, financial aid, help with grades, help with SA safety, etc.) I really hope it gets better.